Not So Merry and Bright
by KoalaLou
Summary: Bella's Christmas wasn't looking so merry and bright this year. Can she reunite with Edward for the family Christmas she dreamed of or is everything between them now lost?
1. Chapter 1

**Hi** **all, I'm back with a new story. As you maybe able to tell from the title, there's a bit of angst but every Christmas story needs a happy ending so please give this story a chance! It is complete and fully posted.**

 **I don't own Twilight or its characters; they belong to Stephanie Meyer. This is just what they got up to in my mind.**

I stood on the all too familiar doorstep, fighting the urge to open the door and step inside, shout out a friendly hello and shuck my winter boots.

Instead, I took a deep breath in a vain attempt to calm the butterflies in my stomach, before I used a gloved hand to knock on the brightly painted red door.

The twinkle lights outlining the doorframe cast a warm welcoming glow as I hoped, really hoped, I'd receive the same warm welcome.

The festive wreath swung lightly as the door opened and a friendly face greeted me, eyebrows raised in surprise before she tried to hide her reaction.

She dropped the look of surprise from her face as she smiled at me. It wasn't her usual smile though. This one was full of sympathy and even more kindness than I was used to.

"Bella, dear, how lovely to see you." She sounded so genuine I felt bad for ever doubting her.

"Thank you, Mrs Cullen, I hope you don't mind me coming over. I just…"

"Nonsense. Come in the warm, Sweetheart, it's too cold to be stood on the doorstep."

She ushered me inside before I could object and kept chatting away to me, probably because if she didn't we'd be stood in an awkward silence.

"Now, what's all this 'Mrs Cullen' business? You call me Esme, just like before. Just because my son seems to have forgotten how wonderful and beautiful your soul is, doesn't mean you aren't welcome here."

The motherly figure stood in front of me glanced curiously at the bag I was holding before gesturing for my coat, indicating she wanted me to stay.

That wasn't my plan, I was just here for a quick drop off, I hadn't prepared myself to be welcomed inside. I wasn't planning on seeing anyone other than Esme, or maybe Carlisle. But now being here in the warm, familiar home, all I wanted was to bottle the feeling here and stay forever.

I swallowed a lump in my throat at her kind words before giving her a small smile. Seeing her again wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be, but it was way more painful. When I lost Edward I was heartbroken for the man I love, but the small part of me that also mourned the loss of his whole family was growing by the minute as I saw how everyone was gathered here for the festivities.

Edward's parents took me under their wing when mine put work and their love life above raising their own child, but I was okay because the Cullens' home had always been open to me. Maybe because Edward was the baby of the family, a good eight years younger than Alice, and ten years younger than Emmett, his parents had been relaxed about our relationship, allowing me to sleep over when we were both sixteen.

I'd seen his nieces and nephews grow from knobby kneed toddlers to precocious tweens and I'd cried with the whole family when Great-Grandma Cullen passed away at the ripe old age of one hundred.

I'd grown up with the whole family from the ages of thirteen to eighteen and stepping back inside their house made me physically shudder at the memory of the grief. The memory of Edward's words. The memory of my loss.

I swallowed down the emotions that were crawling up from my stomach and clawing at my throat, desperate to escape and make themselves heard. Instead, I concentrated on the soothing Christmas carols I could hear emanating from the living room, and the achingly familiar voices rising over the music, Emmett's loud laugh, Carlisle's rich-toned voice and Sophie's giggle.

"I wasn't going to stay. I brought these gifts before…when Edward and I…I didn't want the kids to miss out. I only came to drop them off. Can you pass them on, please?" I busied myself checking the contents of the bag as I spoke, looking anywhere but at Esme.

"No."

"No?" My heart sank back into my boots where it had been living for the last few weeks. "Oh. Okay. Sorry, I shouldn't have come…"

Esme rested her hand on my shoulder. "No, I meant you can give them out yourself. Edward isn't home but Emmett's in the living room with his brood and Alice will be here any minute. The kids would love to see you."

I nodded, relieved. "Okay, thanks."

I finally accepted I was going to stay for a few minutes and handed Esme my coat and gloves before stepping out of my boots. My feet sunk into the plush cream carpet as I wiggled my toes, snuggling into the comforting feeling.

The warmth in the house wrapped round me like a roaring fire of comfort. I knew the heating was on full blast and I was feeling hot already. At home I was used to layering up, I'd wear three or four tops to save on the heating, but here I was melting like the Christmas snowmen on my socks.

I closed my eyes to the feelings washing over me. What was I doing here? I was torturing myself by seeing the reality of what I was missing out on. The tantalizing smell of Esme's home cooking was wafting down the hallway to me and the laughter of small kids was ringing in the air. Frank Sinatra was crooning about having a merry little Christmas and voices were raised in chatter in the next room.

Walking down the achingly familiar corridor, I didn't need to survey the decor to know how the house would be decorated. The seven-foot Christmas tree, complete with the toilet-paper roll nutcracker Edward made when he was six, would be in the living room, to the left, in front of the bay window. The handmade, personalized stockings would be hung on the mantelpiece and the angel Esme had hand-knitted would be sat proudly on top of the tree, placed there by Dr Cullen to watch over the whole family's Christmas celebrations.

Unlike me. I wouldn't see any of their celebrations this year.

This family always went all out for Christmas. They decorated their house inside and out, brought all the traditional foods and every year, without fail, Esme started her famous Christmas fruitcake in early October. The presents were wrapped with coordinating paper and the family's Christmas card was posted to relatives near and far.

It was very different from my Christmases as an only child.

I never even had a stocking until that first Christmas with the Cullens. Edward's parents were surprised when he asked them if I could spend Christmas Day with them. They couldn't imagine why I wasn't spending it with my own parents. Once they knew about my flighty mother, who spent that Christmas shacked up with a lifeguard in Florida, and a Police Chief father who was on shift for the whole day, they gladly welcomed me.

My first ever Christmas stocking came that first year, when my dad dropped me off at 7am on his way to work and I walked into their living room to see my name hanging next to Edward's. That was one of the best Christmas presents I'd ever been given.

The Christmases I'd had with the Cullens the past few years had been the best I could remember. Maybe, when I was a child I'd had a few good years, the ones sandwiched between understanding what Christmas was all about, and my parents' divorce, were probably the best years, until I'd met Edward.

I took a second to close my eyes and absorb the atmosphere, hoping I could remember it tomorrow when I'd wake up alone in a shitty room with broken heating and only a crabby cat for company. The only thing worse than not spending Christmas with the Cullen's was spending it alone because my dad had to work.

This house, this family, was everything that was lacking from my own Christmas, past and present. I knew how rowdy Emmett would get at the dinner table when Carlisle took his time carving the turkey. I knew Jasper would volunteer to drive so Alice could drink her favorite mulled wine, and I knew little Peter would kick and scream if any stuffing came anywhere near his plate.

I wished I didn't know. I wished I would spend tomorrow witnessing all of that instead of having it play out in my dreams.

Dreams that turned to nightmares.

When I opened my eyes, another familiar friendly face was smiling at me. Dr Cullen walked down the corridor carrying a glass of something red and looking just as handsome as usual. I always thought I'd have no objections if Edward aged as well as his dad, but now that thought tortured me. Who would get to grow old with Edward now? Who would get to see his grey hair appear and see him in his element with his grandkids?

I stuck a smile on my face despite my internal torment and walked to greet Carlisle further up the hallway.

"Bella. Merry Christmas! I thought that was your voice I heard. It's so nice to see you."

He gave me a welcoming hug, smelling so much like his son I had to blink away tears that stung the backs of my eyelids, before I stood back and greeted him.

"It's nice to see you, too. I won't stay long…"

"Nonsense. Christmas wouldn't be Christmas without you," he started before faltering at his own words and realizing what he'd said. Glossing over the fact that Christmas would indeed continue unscathed without me, he carried on. "Here, this is for you, it's non-alcoholic because I know you're driving."

Carlisle passed me the glass before I could object.

"So, how are your parents? Is your mom still in Florida?" he asked politely.

"Umm, yeah, I think so."

Carlisle gave me a sympathetic look before I continued.

"I'm sure she's fine. I mean, she is, she's fine," I added, trying to sound like my mom was involved in my life, even though he knew the truth.

As far as I knew, everything was fine with her, but we hadn't had much contact recently, beyond the inevitable phone call about Christmas. The excuses had flowed freely from her as she told me all the reasons she used to justify Christmas in the sun over Christmas with her only child.

Carlisle's tight smile told me he remembered just how my mom was, but I sure as hell didn't want any more sympathy from him than I was already getting.

Thankfully, Esme joined us before I needed to say any more. She rested her hand on her husband's shoulder but addressed me.

"Sorry to steal him away, dear, but heavy snow is forecast and the skies are looking full of it. I need to borrow Carlisle to move the cars, just in case."

Carlisle rolled his eyes in a playful fashion. "Can't you grab Emmett? What's the point in having sons if they don't help with this sort of stuff?" he joked as Esme shushed him and ushered him away.

I continued down the hallway and approached the lounge room, hearing the volume of squeals and chatter rising with every footstep. I leaned my head around the doorframe and saw the decorations I knew would be there.

Christmas trees were one of my favorite parts of Christmas. They have such a history; so personal to each family, and they always had a tale to tell. Esme spent hours on December 1st each year decorating their tree like a shop display, symmetrical and color-coded, but with a few personal touches. The lights twinkled, catching my eye and mesmerizing me for a second. The Christmas music, the tree with sparkling lights, the taste of spiced oranges and cinnamon still lingering on my lips and the smell of freshly-baking cherry pie wafting down the hallway all culminated in a heady mix of family and Christmas. Two of my favorite things.

And two of the biggest things missing from my life right now.

From my hiding spot in the doorway, I felt out of place in this house now. Despite the warm welcome, I didn't belong now. Edward had decided that for me.

I had to fight all my instincts to drop the bag of presents and run. I was already regretting my decision to come here. I knew it would be a chance to say goodbye to Edward's family, but all it did is make me realize how much I didn't want to do that. I was just being reminded of the whole package I'd lost when Edward turned up on my doorstep unexpectedly six weeks ago.

We'd been high school sweethearts, navigating the shark infested waters of Forks High together.

Always together.

Edward was one year above me and when he graduated we were the couple voted most likely to marry.

He'd always wanted to study medicine. I understood. He'll make an amazing doctor. I helped him study for his exams, helped him prep for the college interviews, helped him pack and move to Chicago three months ago. Agreed to do the long distance thing. To make it work.

But somewhere between the late night phone calls and cancelled visits I lost him. Lost his interest. Lost his love.

He visited in person, six weeks ago, making me squeal in delight and throw my arms around him when he turned up unexpectedly on my doorstep one cold, dark, November day.

However, it wasn't the reunion I hoped for and things got a lot colder and darker for me after that.

He told me he couldn't do this anymore. Him and me. Us. Over.

I didn't hear much of what he said after that. Didn't remember him walking away. Didn't remember much of the following days, but I guessed he wanted to be a single college guy. And I wanted to crawl under a rock and never leave.

I had to face everyone at school who couldn't believe we'd fallen apart so soon. We were the couple who was meant to make it. Defy the odds. Get the happily ever after.

I sighed and shook my head from the painful memories and forced myself to creep further into the family's living room. The first person I saw was Emmett, his arm casually around his wife's waist as they watched their kids getting over excited and giddy on Christmas spirit. I stood on the fringes of this family and watched, trying not to acknowledge how this was likely to be the last time I'd see any of them.

Emmett turned his head and caught sight of me. He mumbled something to Rosalie before heading my way. Knowing I'd been spotted I placed my drink and bag down and walked further into the room, meeting Emmett halfway. However, he kept going and enveloped me in an unexpected hug. I was so surprised I definitely wasn't prepared for the feeling of being hugged again. The unmistakable smell of the Cullens enveloped me and if I closed my eyes for a few seconds I could remember what it was like to be hugged by Edward.

Emmett squeezed me a little tighter before he withdrew and held both my shoulders, lowering himself so he could look me in the eyes.

"Bells…Bells…" he shook my shoulders gently when my eyes didn't meet his, only continuing to talk when I finally met his intense gaze. "How are you?"

"Ummm, yeah…okay." I don't think my reply was very convincing.

"You know my little brother's a complete dipshit, right? Give him five minutes on his own to grow up and he'll realize he can't do any better than you. You always were too good for him. He'll see that one day."

I scoffed, that was little consolation right now.

"How is he?" My voice came out quieter and softer than I wanted, as if I was whispering a confession rather than asking a question. I hated myself for my weakness, but I needed to know.

Emmett released his hold on my shoulders and ran a hand over his jaw as he straightened up, towering over me once again. I tried not to notice the sympathy in his tone and the way he didn't quite make eye contact when he spoke.

"Honestly? I'm not sure. He's been quiet whenever I call him. He only arrived here a few hours ago and he's already disappeared off somewhere. Who knows where, it's Christmas Eve for Christ's sake and apparently he's got better places to be."

"I guess he still has a lot of friends in town," I answered lamely. We both knew Edward wouldn't be missing out on Christmas Eve with his family without a good reason, especially when he'd flown all the way from Chicago to spend the holidays with them.

"I couldn't believe it when he told me, Bells. He was always so crazy about you..."

As Emmett continued to talk I tuned out and shuddered at his choice of words.

Was.

He was crazy about me.

I knew that was true. There was a reason he hung around my locker for two weeks straight, asking me out every time he saw me. There was a reason he decked his pickup out with a blanket and butterfly twinkle lights for our trips to the drive-in. There was a reason he involved me in his family, intertwining my life with theirs.

But, there was also a reason he turned up on my doorstep six weeks and two days ago and finished our relationship.

"...dunno what that Chicago air is doing to his head because it seems to have made him lose his damn mind."

Emmett was still talking but his words just made me scoff. It wasn't the Chicago air that was getting to Edward. It was the Chicago girls. And alcohol and fresher's and the pressure to become a frat boy.

Before my thoughts could sink any lower and return to my nightmares where Edward was undressing another girl, whispering in her ear and pulling her close to his chest, a small child I'd missed a lot lately slammed into me and hugged my legs.

"Hey, Petey."

"Bella, Santa's coming tonight. Tonight!" He exclaimed with excitement overflowing from his little body.

"Sure is. I hope you've been a good boy since I last saw you?"

Peter nodded enthusiastically.

"I wants a Scalextric. Uncle Edward says he'll beat me at it but you won't let him will you?"

"I...I…" I had nothing. How did I explain to this kid that this might well be the last time I see him.

I wouldn't be here when he opened his presents. I wouldn't be watching Edward as he helped his nephew set up his new toy, watching the way his muscles strained in his t-shirt and his eyebrows furrowed as he tried to work out what to do next. I wouldn't be able to use my charms to persuade fiercely competitive Edward to throw the race. I wouldn't sit between Edward's legs, letting him hold the controller and teach me how to race, acting slightly dumber than I was just so he'd hold my hands that bit longer.

I turned back to Emmett who was looking just as lost for words as I was. "Emmett, I hope it's okay, I brought the kids some presents a while ago...before...and I didn't want them to go to waste so..."

"Hey, you hear that, Pete? Bella's bought you and your sister a present. Why don't you put them under the tree?" Emmett dived in, saving me from answering the six-year-old's question.

"Here. Merry Christmas." I handed Peter two of the presents as he thanked me and added them to the overflowing pile under the tree.

"Thanks," Emmett commented. "You didn't have to get them anything. I know it can't be easy for you...coming here…"

I'm pretty sure no one's love life always runs smoothly but I didn't really think Emmett was qualified to talk about how hard this was for me. He wasn't exactly a frequent visitor to Splitsville. He'd married Rosalie young and they were clearly made for each other. They'd never broken up, and had certainly never told each other they were in this for the long term, only to be dumped six weeks later.

"It's fine," I replied, unsuccessfully faking nonchalance. "It's not like I've actually seen him tonight."

I tried to keep my voice neutral, I shouldn't want to see him. I shouldn't want to torture myself like that, but if I was being honest, I'd used the kids' presents as an excuse. I could have posted them. Or left them on the doorstep, rung the bell and run. Or I could have gone to the library, Thursday at 11am for the local 'knit and natter' group where I knew Esme would be.

But I didn't.

I, stupidly, still wanted to see Edward. After all he'd said and done I still wanted to see him.

As I was, once again, mulling over my own misery, the house became even noisier as Alice, Jasper and their four kids arrived. The children immediately started running around with their cousins as Alice tried to pry coats and shoes off the moving targets.

Once things had calmed down slightly Alice greeted Emmett and me, not looking at all surprised to see me.

Alice, thankfully, didn't mention Edward, and we chatted in the easy way we'd become accustomed to. She told me about the kids' nativity play performances, and asked how my final year at school was going. I glossed over the part where her brother dumped me partway through the semester and I lost all focus on my studies and instead told her things were 'good' and 'fine' and 'okay' because that was the truth. I'd survive. I'd be okay in the end but right now, all these firsts without Edward, the best I could manage was fine.

After dishing out the remaining presents to Alice's brood I wondered how much longer I could pretend.

Pretend nothing had changed. Pretend I was still a part of this family. Pretend Edward was about to walk up behind me, run his hands along my waist and whisper in my ear, tickling me with his warm breath before he kissed the sensitive skin behind my ear in the way he knew I loved. The truth was, I loved any way he kissed me, but I shook those thoughts from my head, took a few more sips of my drink and a few steps backwards.

When I realized no one was watching me, I edged even further back before turning and leaving the room, unnoticed. As I did so, I was faced with the family photos spanning the length of the hallway. Many were of little Edward, Alice and Emmett, but it was the more recent ones that punched me in the gut.

I had deliberately not looked at any photos of Edward in about a month, which, believe me, was not easy with social media these days. That didn't mean I couldn't remember his angled jaw and dazzling smile, but it meant that looking at these pictures now brought a fresh pang of pain to my entire being.

It jolted through me like electricity through a cable.

I needed to go.

To get out of here.

Now.

Back down the corridor, I could see Esme by the front door, looking out of the frosted glass at the worsening weather, no doubt hoping for Edward's imminent return. I didn't want to face her, she'd be kind to me and if she was too nice, I'd breakdown.

Knowing that escape route was blocked, I stumbled into the kitchen, hoping to hide in there, alone, until I could leave out the front door.

Jesus! All I wanted to do was give a few kids some presents. I bet Santa Claus didn't have this much trouble, no wonder he waited until the household was asleep!

I ignored the rumble in my stomach when I smelt some festive pies cooking in the oven, and instead grabbed a fresh glass, knowing exactly what cupboard they were in. I filled it from the faucet, instinctively not turning it on too hard because I knew it would spray the splash back otherwise. Or maybe they'd had the tap fixed by now. I didn't know these details anymore.

I gulped down the cold water before slamming the glass onto the worktop with more force than was necessary. The cool drink hadn't helped calm my racing mind so I splashed some water on my face, taking in deep breaths, trying to calm my emotions and get myself under control so I could attempt to leave here with a tiny shred of dignity.

While I waited, I looked around the kitchen at the spot where Edward and I had baked cookies, smushing the flour in each other's faces and eating all the chocolate chips before they made it into the mix. I saw the apron I'd helped Edward pick out for Mother's Day, and the calendar hanging on the back of the door, displaying family events I'd never be a part of.

Yep. I definitely had to get out of here.

I looked around for a tea towel or napkin but, as usual, Esme's kitchen was spotless. Instead, I grabbed the bottom of my jumper and used that to dab at my forehead, trying to calm down my racing mind.

As I lowered my top, I heard footsteps, which stopped the other side of the kitchen island.

I knew those footsteps.

I'd know them anywhere. I knew them when they snuck down the hallway to my room the first ever night I stayed here, before we were allowed to share a room. I knew them when they turned up outside my house to tell me he'd been accepted to college and I knew them when he visited out of the blue a few weeks ago and told me we were over.

 **Thank you to RebAdams, my pre-reader and to M-Sparkle for the great banner. Please review, it really does encourage my writing, Koala Lou x**


	2. Chapter 2

**Thanks so much to everyone who has engaged with this story. I was overwhelmed with support when I posted the first chapter which is great as I wasn't sure how many people would like to read about an angsty Christmas!**

 **I value all your reviews and opinions and like that so many of you are along for the ride.**

 **So, this chapter is from Edward's point of view...there is a little time hopping but I hope you all enjoy...**

 **I don't own Twilight or its characters; they belong to Stephanie Meyer. This is just what they got up to in my mind.**

I opened my parents' front door and shook the dirt off my boots before I entered the house. The sky was full of snow, threatening to chuck it down any second. That had been the main reason I'd given up my search tonight and returned home. That, and the fact that I should spend Christmas Eve at home with my family.

"Edward, dear, there you are!" My mom came into the hallway from the living room and gave me a peck on the cheek, even though I'd seen her a few hours ago.

"Sorry, Mom, I had to...hey, what's the matter?"

My mom looked serious as I toed off my boots and hung up my coat.

"Ummm, we...we have a visitor." She nodded to the kitchen as I turned to follow her gaze.

I couldn't see far enough down the hallway so I turned to my mom, questioning her.

"Visitor?"

"Bella's here." My mom rang her hands nervously, probably hoping I wouldn't lose my shit at this news.

I just furrowed my brows in confusion, not daring to believe my mom's words. I did not expect the next time I saw Bella to be in my parents' kitchen, on Christmas Eve.

I then strode down the hallway, needing to see Bella immediately.

"Edward…go easy on her, it is Christmas," my mom called but I carried on, pausing in the doorway when I saw her. She was turned away from me, facing the kitchen sink and I could tell the moment she realized I was here. I watched her shoulders stiffen and her head raise as she listened to my footsteps as I walked further into the room.

Fuck, what the hell had I done? She was so damn perfect. All doe-eyed and pink lips as she turned to me and looked, really looked at me. God knows what I looked like. I hadn't eaten or slept well, in weeks. I couldn't find any peace, my mind was constantly racing with thoughts of Bella, of coming home, of seeing her again.

Now as she stood in front of me I knew how wrong I'd been. I knew I needed her. We weren't over. I needed us to not be over.

She closed her eyes, like looking at me caused her physical pain. God, I hoped I could fix this. She appeared so small and frail. She was thinner than I remembered and I hoped she'd been eating better than I had during our separation, but it was occurring to me now that she hadn't fared much better then I had.

Somehow, she started our first conversation in weeks by apologizing to me for being in my family home. I wanted to grab her, to hug her, to beg her, to shake her. She wasn't at fault here. It was me. All me.

I'd thought about the moment I'd face her again. I played it around in my mind constantly, but now with her sad brown eyes meeting mine, I froze. I needed to get this right, but all the speeches I'd prepared in my head and all the words I wanted to say to her were lost as we attempted small talk before Emmett interrupted us.

Emmett. I loved and hated him in equal measure.

Okay, so while I was spending today finally being open and honest I knew that wasn't true. I loved him and only really hated when he appeared in Chicago a month ago, ready to kick my ass. And, truth being told, that time he gloated when I missed breaking his home run record by one run in my last game of the season. Bastard.

I couldn't believe he'd dropped everything to fly to Chicago to check on me. At the time I was so furious I couldn't think straight, but now, with a little clarity, I could appreciate the effort and expense he went to to check that I wasn't shooting up every night.

His timing couldn't have been worse, it was the morning after I'd sent that chick packing. I don't know what possessed me to bring her back to my room in the first place. I knew I wouldn't do anything with her. I guess it was just my way of getting those pushy freshmen off my back for a few days. If they saw me bring her to my room they'd assume things and I'd let them.

I'd slept in that morning, trying to waste away the day and hide from the memories of the previous night. Even though nothing had happened between me and her, I still felt ashamed and so far removed from the Edward that left Seattle full of hope and happiness.

I thought I'd settle in Chicago just fine. It's what us Cullens did. We went to Chicago to study and we did it well. Except, maybe I was weak or something because I missed my family. I missed Seattle and most of all, I missed Bella.

It was the incessant thumping on my dorm room door that woke me. Once I'd opened my eyes I focused on my discarded T-shirt balled up on the floor and tried to ignore the noise. Shit! This couldn't be happening. Whoever was on the other side was going to break through any minute now.

My first thought was that it was a brother or boyfriend of the chick I met last night. She knew where I lived, after all. I scoffed. I didn't live here. I existed. Although, I might not exist at all if someone broke through the cheap ass door and caught me lying defenseless in bed.

I headed the few steps to the door, stumbling as I pulled my jeans on while I walked. I looked through the peephole and sobered up pretty damn quickly when I saw my brother shooting daggers at the door.

Shit! What on earth was he doing here? Were Mom and Dad alright? I pulled the door open just as he was winding up for another bang to the door.

"Oh, good, you're alive."

He gave me a quick bear hug while I stood still, still processing the fact that he was here.

He stepped away from me and held me at arms length, his eyes scanned my body, as if he was assessing if I was still in one piece. His gaze lingered on my stubbled face. I was usually clean shaven, but lately I couldn't be bothered to shave, who was I trying to impress? Who cared what I looked like?

"I thought freshman were meant to put on weight, not lose it."

I shrugged. "We can't all be beefed up, ex-football players."

He gave me a sarcastic look and pushed past me, dropping the rucksack I hadn't noticed on his back.

"Are Mom and Dad okay? Ali?"

"Everyone's fine, Edward, except you by the looks of things." He'd immediately started looking around my room like some kind of police detective, eyeing my belongings like Charlie eyed me when Bella first introduced us. Bella. How did everything come back to Bella?

Emmett looked back over his shoulder at my bare chest, then at the T-shirt on the floor but didn't say anything. He just shook his head at me and continued scrutinizing my room.

"Why are you acting all bad cop on me? I have an actual cop I'm half expecting to turn up and have it out with me, I don't need you doing the same."

He looked back over his shoulder and eyed me silently before he continued.

"Don't worry. I think Bells spun it to Charlie as more of a mutual break up kind of deal, she knows he has contacts in Chicago, so…" He picked up my small contact lens box from my desk and opened it suspiciously, I'm not sure I'd ever seen him look so serious in his life.

Huh. I don't know what I was more surprised about, that Bella had let me off the hook with her dad or that Emmett knew about it.

"What, exactly, are you looking for?" I asked as he put the box down and opened my desk drawer.

"Drugs. Pills. Anything that would explain why you've lost your damn mind."

I shrugged. "Really?! Go at it, Em. You won't find anything." I laid back on my bed, my hands under my head as I stretched out.

Now I had a second to think, I was secretly pleased to see my brother. Jokey texts and the occasional FaceTime conversations were no replacement for the close relationship we had back in Seattle. I hadn't spoken to him properly about what happened between me and Bella. I knew I was being a coward, but I didn't want to admit to him how I felt. I'm not sure I even knew how I felt, myself, anymore. I thought I knew what I wanted, but now...

Emmett continued to check my room, the window sill, my desk drawers, and the bookshelf before striding over to me. He lifted up the edge of the mattress while I was still laid on it. Strong fucker.

"Am I gonna find porn under here?"

I scoffed. "Who keeps actual porn magazines anymore? Can you even buy them, still?"

Emmett came up close to my face.

"Look at me. Edward, look at me."

I obliged as he checked my pupils and started to hold his finger out for my eyes to track. I slapped his hand away.

"Em, seriously. What the fuck? I'm not high."

"Damn." He sat on the edge of my bed and I sat up, swinging my legs on to the floor as I settled next to him.

He bumped my shoulder with his. "I thought for sure this was my chance to become Mom's favorite son." He laughed, finally finding humor in the situation.

I silently smiled and shoulder bumped him back.

"So if you're not drugged up...why are you acting so weird?"

"I'm not acting weird. I'm settling into college life. I don't think I'd be doing a good job of that if I was calling Mommy and Daddy every night, do you?"

Emmett nodded. "I guess not. So, where is she?"

I furrowed my eyebrows. "Who?"

"Whoever you dumped Bella for."

His words bruised me, they were so harsh. And inaccurate.

"What?" Did he really think that?

"Edward, you don't have to lie to me…" his voice had calmed now and he sounded sympathetic as he rested his hand on my shoulder.

I shrugged him off. "I'm not lying." My tone was forceful but he wasn't understanding.

"I get it. You're gonna lie low and not introduce her to anyone for awhile, it's considerate of you, really, but I'm your brother, you can tell me."

"Emmett, I'm serious, there is no girl." I was struggling to control my temper now, he wasn't listening to me.

Emmett stood up and spun around to confront me. "Jesus, you're infuriating!"

"Me?" I stood up and went chest to chest with him, we might not be a similar build, but we were a similar height. "You're the one turning up here like the fucking DEA!"

"Okay..." Emmett took a step back, lowering the tension and relenting slightly. "...say I believe you about the drugs and the girl...why the fuck did you break up with Bella?"

"Because…" I fell silent and Emmett continued to glare at me.

"Because?" He shrugged, indicating he didn't understand.

That made two of us. "Because...I...I wanted options." I couldn't meet his eyes, my reason sounded so feeble when I finally voiced it out loud.

"Options?"

"Yeah. Options."

"Huh… you wanted options, but you're not using those options to get laid by some hot chicks now that you're single?"

I shook my head at him and didn't answer, partly because it was none of his damn business, but mainly because the answer would be a pathetic 'no'.

Emmett tutted at my silence before he turned around decisively and patted his pockets, presumably for his belongings.

"I'm taking you out to eat. I had shit plane food for lunch and you look like you could do with a good meal. Do Chicago chicks dig the skinny look or something?"

"I wouldn't know."

"But you made yourself single so you could find out, right?"

"Em. Don't." I ran my hand through my hair, exasperated at my brothers attempts to include Bella in every conversation we had.

"Don't what? I'm trying to understand. Don't ask how you are, or don't ask why you've lost your damn mind?"

"Either," I growled at him.

We left my dorm and walked in companionable silence, side by side, heading for the cafe that apparently served the 'best damn steak in the city'. I thought Chicago was known for pizza, trust Emmett to make me eat steak, instead.

I was pissed at Emmett for turning up here and seeing straight through me and calling me out on the mess I was becoming. I didn't want to be mad, I wanted to enjoy my time with my brother but he was so damn perceptive I couldn't hide anything from him and in the process he was making me face my own thoughts and feelings, in a way I'd put off doing for weeks.

Emmett, oblivious to my thoughts, suddenly spoke up. "What would you say if I'd seen Bella and Riley Biers together in the diner…"

He didn't finish his sentence. I grabbed a fist full of his shirt, and slammed him against the nearest wall, a hairdressers we were walking past.

"Ooof!" The air left his lungs as I'd caught him off guard. He was twice the build of me so there was no way I'd usually be able to throw him around like that.

"What did you say?" I growled at him but he recovered quickly, regaining the upper hand and pushing me off him.

That would have been the end of our tussle but Emmett unintentionally pushed me right into a street light pole which caught my eye socket at just the right angle to fucking hurt.

"Fuck!" I grabbed my eye and stumbled to right myself.

Emmett looked apologetic but on guard as he watched my next move.

I held up my hands in surrender, I wasn't going to fight him over this.

He approached me cautiously, like a zoo keeper approaching a tiger. "Shit, Edward, I didn't mean to hurt you." He reached for my eye, but I slapped his hand away. I didn't need him poking and prodding me. That shit would hurt. My eye was stinging and pounding as I blinked several times to clear my vision. I dabbed at my eye socket and removed my hand to look at it.

"There's no blood," Emmett told me. "But that's gonna bruise like a fucker."

"I probably deserve it." I muttered under my breath.

We were now approaching the cafe so we got seated at a table. Emmett ordered us a Dr Pepper each and used his sweetest voice to charm the young waitress into bringing us some ice wrapped in a dishcloth for my eye.

Emmett pulled out his phone and replied to a text from Rosalie, no doubt telling her he'd arrived and found his brother acting like a dickhead.

He placed his phone down and looked at me, scrutinizing my eye and the bruise I could feel forming there.

"Is she pissed you're here?" I asked.

"No. She understands. She said if Petey needed help she hoped he'd have someone to fly across the country for him."

I nodded.

"Plus, I'm headed back tomorrow. Some of us nearly thirty-year-olds have work on Monday." He teased. "Jeez," he continued, "what I'd give to be in college again." He shook his head wistfully.

"Seriously, Edward, this should be one of the best times of your life. If it's not then do what you need to do to get there because you'll never be this carefree again."

I was carefree?

Emmett continued. "Not needing to get up for work. Sleeping for a full night and still not getting up until noon. Do you know the last time I got a sleep in? Father's Day back in June. And, even then, I'm not sure being woken at 9am by a knee to the balls actually counts!"

Our food arrived quickly, but I only picked at mine. I wanted to prove Emmett wrong and eat the lot but my throbbing eye was making me feel sick and I couldn't stomach a big meal.

"You'll have that hot beaten up look about you. Wanna make up a story about your black eye? Maybe you got it when you were fending off a shark attack… or a burglar...no, I know you were saving an elderly lady from getting mugged...the chicks will dig that for sure."

I rolled my eyes at him, before cursing because that shit hurt. I placed the dishcloth back on my eye, pleased for the excuse to not meet Emmett's gaze. I knew what he was going to say next.

"Do you want to talk about what I actually said when you went all psycho Jackie Chan on me?"

"No." I don't want to hear those words ever again. Was Bella moving on? Fuck my eye socket was throbbing and I was getting a headache.

I think he got the message because he dropped his knife and fork and tented his fingers. I would have ribbed him about how much he looked like dad right now, but I was too surprised that he'd voluntarily stopped eating to get in my dig.

"Edward," his voice was softer. "I get it. I was single for college and took full advantage of that."

I scoffed but after raising his eyebrows at me, he continued.

"Your relationships are your choice. You don't interfere in my marriage and I don't want to tell you what to do or who to be with. If you don't want to be with Bella anymore that's fine and that's your choice. I'll support you and I'll get Mom and Dad off your back. I promise."

"Thank you," I muttered.

"But…" he continued as I sighed at him. "You don't seem happy, bro. At all."

I didn't answer him. I pushed my fries around my plate, looking anywhere but at Emmett.

"Dad was going to fly here, you know?" Emmett asked as I shook my head, not answering with a mouthful of food.

"I said I'd come. I said you'd open up to me more, tell me things you wouldn't necessarily want to tell your dad, but, well, it seems you don't want to tell anyone anything."

He looked hurt but I didn't know what he expected me to say. I wasn't on drugs, I wasn't sleeping around, I was just so wracked with regret and guilt about Bella that I couldn't think straight.

Emmett continued, "I can report back to Mom and Dad that you're alive and not on drugs, but don't expect me to tell them everything is great because I know you. You're miserable. And whether that's Chicago, college life, your studies, Bella...I don't know…"

"Em, I don't know why you have to report anything to them…"

"Really!" He picked up his cutlery again and pointed his knife at me while he spoke. "They're worried sick about you! You've avoided their calls for days on end. You look like you haven't eaten, or shaved in weeks and you did such a sudden one-eighty on your relationship with Bella that…"

"Would you stop talking about Bella!" I shouted as I slammed down my cutlery, drawing the attention of the elderly couple at the next table.

Emmett held up an apologetic hand to them and they looked away. He lowered his voice when he spoke again. "I can't even mention her name without you losing your shit, I don't get it. I thought I'd come up here to find you living it up, spending your student loan on cheap beer and hanging with college girls, being young, free and single. Instead you're moping around like Bella's the one who finished with you."

"You've only been here an hour, or so, how the hell do you know what I've been up to?"

He finished his food and put his cutlery down, quietly this time. "I know the signs."

He took a gulp of his drink as I scoffed. "That's all you got?"

Emmett stacked his plate on top of mine and pushed them both to one side before he started speaking.

"How old were you when I started dating Rosie? Ten?" He guessed as I furrowed my eyebrows in thought then nodded. That sounded about right.

"Do you remember when she dumped my sorry ass a few months in?"

That got my attention. "No."

"Well, she did. I'd been out drinking with my friends one too many times. This time I turned up drunk at her house. Her dad was furious, she was embarrassed and...well, she ended it. Edward, I was a wreck. I didn't eat, didn't get dressed, didn't shave, didn't get up in the morning...does any of that that sound familiar to you?"

Because of the age gap between us I didn't really remember what happened, but now he'd jogged my memory I did remember him turning into a ghost for a while.

"That's different. She finished it with you." I said stating the damn obvious.

"Yet, I turn up here and it's like I'm looking at myself ten years ago."

We were both quiet. I shredded my napkin, dropping bits of tissue onto the table top as Emmett finished his drink.

"How…" I looked up at him and he met my eyes with a sad expression. "How did you get back together?" My voice was calm and quiet as I practically whispered my question.

To his credit he didn't laugh at me or mock me. Instead he rubbed his chin as he thought.

"I made her understand that I was truly sorry. I promised her I'd learned my lesson and things would be different if she trusted me again."

I nodded.

"And then I kept my promise."

I nodded again. "Well, I'm glad it worked out for you two…"

I shrugged my shoulders and added the shredded napkin to the empty plates, hoping this conversation was ending.

"It doesn't have to be over with Bella if you don't what it to be…"

I started at him. I didn't like the way he could see through me and seemingly read my mind. I wanted to appear confident in my decision. I wanted him to think I had my shit together and was living it up at college.

So instead of listening to his advice, I bit back. I gritted my teeth. Clearly, Emmett wasn't listening to me so I didn't want to listen to any more of his relationship crap.

"I don't want to talk about Bella." I Informed him, not for the first time today, only just keeping my cool, worried the couple at the next table would confront us if I shouted as loudly as I really wanted to. "Since you're so determined to feed me, I'll let you pay." I slurped the remaining dregs of my drink before standing up.

"Edward, don't leave." Emmett pleaded.

"I'm perfectly happy, Emmett, I don't need you poking your nose in and judging me." I turned to leave.

Emmett sighed and stood up. He fished his wallet from his back pocket and threw some bills on the table before hastily following me out the cafe and down the sidewalk. He caught up with me in a only a few strides.

"Bro, I'm sorry. Your decision, your life, I get it. Consider the topic dropped. Finished. Gone." He slung an arm over my shoulder and steered me away from the direction I was walking in.

"So...have you discovered the English pub on 42nd?" His voice was jovial as I looked at him confused.

"We just ate."

"Who said anything about eating? Thanks to you, I have a night free from my wife and two very demanding kids. First drink's on me, especially while you're cheap to buy for until you turn twenty-one!"

I knew he loved his family fiercely, but still laughed along with his reasoning. "Lead the way."

The rest of Emmett's visit was fun. As he was a U of C alumni, he showed me the places he used to hang out in. As promised, he didn't bring up the subject of Bella again. I could tell he wanted to say something when a cute chick flirted with me and I shot her down pretty quickly, but instead, he just raised his eyebrows at me and started telling her how I'd rescued a cat from a tree and got my black eye in the process.

Having Emmett there reminded me of the camaraderie that was missing from my freshmen 'friends'. We hung out, but we didn't have that history, there were no inside jokes, no banter about things that had happened in the past and I realized, yet again, how much I'd given up in Seattle.

After Emmett's visit I tried to check in with my parents more. I also made a few decisions that would change the course of my whole life. Unfortunately, those decisions involved temporarily disappointing my family. Again. Man, I hoped they wouldn't send Emmett back.

My dad had phoned me and with one word "Edward," I knew I was in trouble. This wasn't a friendly 'Hey, Edward,' this was his serious 'I'm disappointed in you' voice. Unfortunately, I'd heard a lot of it lately.

"Please tell me I'm not going to have to explain to your mother why you're missing your sister's birthday party."

"I can tell her, Dad…"

He sighed. "So, it's true. You can't come back, even for the weekend?"

"I've got so much work to do, we've got some rescheduled classes because of bad weather earlier in the semester..."

"I don't know who will be more heartbroken, your mother or sister."

I sighed.

"Son...is this about Bella?"

I drew in a sharp breath, I hadn't heard anyone speak her name since Emmett left.

I tried to hide my reaction from my dad so instead I scoffed and ran my hands through my hair. "How do my rescheduled classes have anything to do with Bella?" I asked avoiding his question.

"You may have a perfect GPA, but don't get smart with me."

"Dad, please. I don't want to argue with you. I'll be home for Christmas. I'll make it up to Ali, I don't know what else I can do."

"Hmmm...well, you better. You know Ali likes to keep her birthday celebrations separate from Christmas."

"Well, it's not my fault the two are so close together, that's on you."

My dad chuckled. "If Alice hadn't insisted on causing a scene, as usual, and arriving a month early, she'd be a January baby as we planned."

I shuddered. "Eww, Dad, please don't talk to me about you and Mom planning...that."

"Yes, well...I need to go. Leave it to me to talk to your Mom and I'll leave it to you to make it up to Ali. Deal?"

"Sure, thanks, Dad."

"Okay, well I'm looking forward to seeing you soon."

"Me, too. I miss you."

"We all miss you, too, Edward."

"Bye, Son"

"Bye, Dad."

I had my reasons for staying in Chicago, rather than flying home for Alice's birthday, I just hoped once my family found out they'd understand, because, right now I didn't feel they understood me at all.

Now, somehow, it was Christmas Eve already and it was game time.

Standing here, back home in my parents' kitchen, seeing Bella again, I knew how thoroughly I'd broken us and as I stared at Bella, I was pretty sure I'd need more than a Christmas miracle to fix this.

 **What do you think of Edward? I think these two need to have a conversation...**

 **Thanks to SarcasticBimbo for being my beta for this chapter, RebAdams for being my pre-reader and M-Sparkle for the great banner. Thanks to anyone who has rec'ed, reviewed and liked this story so far. Please let me know your thoughts!**


	3. Chapter 3

**Thank you for your reviews.** **Let's get back to Bella and pick up where we left her in chapter 1...**

 **I don't own Twilight or its characters; they belong to Stephanie Meyer. This is just what they got up to in my mind.**

I froze as I heard Edward's footsteps slowing as he got closer and closer.

Neither of us spoke as I closed my eyes, shielding myself from the inevitable, as I willed myself not to look at him.

However, I knew I couldn't stay like that forever, and part of me wanted to see him. Flesh and bone. My stomach flipped as I slowly turned and opened my eyes to look at him. Really look.

Surprisingly, he appeared almost as miserable as I felt. His skin was paler than I remembered, but he was still just as handsome. His t-shirt hugged his broad shoulders and clung close to his chest, just like I used to.

I knew his chest so well. I'd held it so many times, kissed it so many times, cried into and laughed into it. I cuddled up to and at times, shoved it in frustration. A chest I'd held as I rode him in the semi-darkness of his bedroom, a chest I dug my nails in as I came. One I watched heave with exertion as he approached his own climax. A chest I'd licked whipped cream from and drooled over when he'd ripped his shirt off after scoring the school's winning goal in the cup final.

I knew that chest almost as well as he did. Right now, I wished I didn't. I wished I could forget the small scar on the left side of his rib cage, the softness of his skin and the small hairs that led down to the top of his boxers.

I shook my head as I closed my eyes. It was no good. I didn't even need my eyes to know what he looked like. My memory conjured up the image of his soft angular jaw, his muscular arms, his tousled hair, and his long legs.

When I finally opened my eyes, he was looking at me for the first time in weeks. My memory was too good, practically perfect. I'd remembered him almost exactly, except his jaw was now stubbled, making him look angrier than I remembered.

Or maybe he was just angry at me. His ex-girlfriend had gate-crashed Christmas Eve, one of the few evenings he had to spend with his family. He'd be heading back to Chicago in the New Year, his time here was precious.

"I...I'm sorry. I didn't know everyone would be here. I got the kids some Christmas presents before…before...I only planned to drop them off, but your mom...she asked me in and...well...you know what she's like. I'm gonna leave as soon as I can sneak away."

He nodded.

Huh. He clearly didn't want to talk.

"Okay...well…" I turned my back to him, readying myself to leave but when he spoke, at last, I froze. My heart sped up as my legs turned to lead, becoming so heavy I couldn't move them.

"It's fine, Bella."

I closed my eyes, trying to shelter myself from the emotional repercussions of hearing my name roll so effortlessly off his tongue.

"It's really good to see a friendly face."

I slowly twisted around, and my eyebrows shot up in anger. When I spoke, I made a conscious effort to control my disbelief.

"Is that what I am? A friend?" I scoffed.

"No, I mean yes...I mean..." He looked apologetic and immediately started rubbing at the stubble on his jaw, a trait of his that I knew meant he was nervous. "You're...we're…"

"Don't. I can't hear this." I held up my hands to stop him. To stop his placating words and sympathy filled tone. I didn't have the energy to listen to his reasoning and excuses again.

"Thanks for the presents, that was really kind of you...to think of the kids."

He could have let me leave, but he clearly wanted to talk. Not knowing when I'd get another chance to speak to him, I relented with a sigh.

I turned to face him properly, and the look of relief on his face told me he was pleased I'd done so.

"I didn't want them to miss out, I'd already bought them, so…" Gah! Since when did it become so hard to talk to Edward?

This was Edward! I could tell him anything. He knew all my insecurities and deepest secrets. But now, it seemed I couldn't make small talk with him without losing my train of thought. That was probably because I was trying hard not to look at him as the realization that he was really standing in front of me was just hitting me.

I'd spent so many nights wishing he was standing in front of me so I could tell him how I felt.

In some of those scenarios, I yelled and shouted at him, anger spilling out into venomous words. In others, I begged and pleaded for another chance. A do-over. A re-take. However, in most, I just asked him why? Why did he do this to us? Why did he break us? Why wasn't I enough?

Those words, all of them, were on the tip of my tongue, scrambled into one big jumbled mess, but before I could arrange them into a meaningful question, he spoke.

"You always were organized when it came to Christmas, not even my mom buys presents in September," he remarked, almost fondly.

"Yeah, well, I saw this toy plane Petey would love and…" I trailed off, realizing I wouldn't find out if Petey liked his present, I wouldn't be here to see him open it.

"Anyway, how's college going?" I asked changing the subject before Edward could feel sorry for me. I couldn't bear to see pity in his eyes, so I watched my fingers smoothing over the wood grain in the worktop as I tried to ignore the ache in my heart at how painful it was to attempt small talk with the man I'd shared my innermost secrets with.

"Tough." His word was unequivocal.

"Oh. Sorry, I thought...I thought you were in your element, finally studying medicine, being single and free to pursue whoever you want..." Despite the desperate ache that intensified every time I looked at him, I glanced up, watching as a face twisted in anger.

"Bella, don't." He closed his eyes and held up his hands, physically trying to block my words.

"What's so wrong with me speaking the truth? You got exactly what you wanted." I continued, unrepentant, lifting my head higher and standing up straighter as I stood by my words.

He shook his head and pinched the bridge of his nose as he started to pace back and forth. "No. No, it was what I thought I wanted."

I stared at Edward in disbelief. "What the hell does that mean?" I growled out as he stopped pacing and stood, closer to me this time.

"Edward, where the hell have you been? Mom's...oh, shit, sorry…" Emmett trailed off, realizing that as he'd come crashing into the kitchen in that overzealous manner of his, he'd interrupted something. He stopped mid-step and looked from Edward to me, and back again.

No one spoke. We could hear Burl Ives crooning in the next room about having a Holly Jolly Christmas. The cheerful melody at total odds with the atmosphere that surrounded us and was crushing me alive.

"It's fine, Emmett." I turned to him as I spoke, turning away from Edward and his intense stare. "I was just leaving." I clarified.

"Oh." Emmett seemed shocked into an unusual silence.

"I…" I paused, wishing I didn't have to voice this out loud, in front of Edward, but deciding I had no other option.

"Emmett, I don't think I can face saying goodbye to everyone. Can you tell them all I left and I'm sorry?"

Emmett started to nod but then his eyes grew wide as he looked at something over my shoulder.

Next thing I knew Edward had grabbed my upper arm and was walking me towards the patio doors.

"What the hell?" Maybe I should have been annoyed at him for grabbing me. Maybe I should be annoyed that he was walking me away from Emmett, stopping me from leaving. But, instead, my arm was burning from his touch. I'd wanted his touch for so long that it was now clouding my mood. The strong, gutsy Bella wanted to shrug him off and walk away but the other part, the part that was still so irrevocably in love with him, was desperate to see what he was leading up to.

"Please, Bella." He was speaking softly even though his actions were strong. "We need to talk. I can't screw this up again."

" _You_ get to decide that, do you?" I pulled out of his hold and crossed my arms over my chest. I knew Edward was stronger than I was and had let me shake off his grip. His eyes flitted between my angry face and my chest as it heaved in annoyance.

Emmett stepped forward and blocked Edward's path, eye-to-eye with his brother as Edward's eyes rose as they tried to out-stare each other.

I shouldn't have noticed how Edward stood up straighter, squaring up to his brother, breathing harder and tensing his shoulders. And I shouldn't have noticed how hot he looked, all riled up and angry, his temper reaching the end of its rope. I sensed that one wrong word would be the match that lit Edward up in flames.

"Edward, I've tried really hard to understand your behavior lately. We've all cut you some slack, we really have, but you need to calm the hell down," Emmett advised.

"I'm perfectly calm. I just want to talk to Bella."

Emmett scoffed and raised his eyebrows at Edward, calling him out on his lie.

Edward sighed, took a deep breath and rolled his shoulders, loosening his fists and making a real effort to compose himself.

"Maybe check to see if she wants to talk to you first?" Emmett glared at Edward, not breaking eye contact with him until Edward turned back to me, his eyebrows raised questioningly.

"Fine," I answered Edward's silent question. I knew I needed to hear what he had to say. I'd regret it if I didn't hear him out.

Edward looked relieved and side-stepped Emmett, heading towards the patio door again, this time looking back to check if I was following.

As I set off, Emmett rested his hand on my shoulder.

"Are you sure you're okay?"

I gave him a small, grateful nod before I caught up with Edward. He was holding the patio door open for me, wanting to talk somewhere private, I guessed.

I couldn't blame him for that. His house was never private, and it was hard to get a minute's peace there. Ironically, that was one of the many things I loved about his family, their togetherness and closeness.

The wooden deck ran the length of the back of the house. It was dark outside, but I didn't need to see to know it had steps going down to the rest of the garden, a patio, a fire pit with a seating area and a grassed area for the kids to play.

I closed the patio door behind me, shutting out the upbeat, festive tunes that right now were so at odds with my emotions. Through the glass, I watched Emmett run his hands through his hair, so like his brother, and then turn and exit the kitchen, leaving Edward and me alone.

I turned around slowly and noticed Edward was bent over, flicking a switch that lit the clear lights running the length of the deck railing. The muted light reminding me of evenings spent out here last Christmas, hugging a mug of hot chocolate and discussing how many desserts we'd need on Christmas Day to keep everyone happy.

I shivered, more at the memory, than the cold air. Forecasters had predicted snowfall that couldn't be far away, and the temperature was certainly low enough for it to happen. My snowman socks suddenly didn't feel adequate against the almost-frosty wooden slats under my feet.

"Sorry, I didn't think this through, it's fucking freezing out here. Do you want to find somewhere else to talk inside…"

"It's fine," I replied. The only place we'd find to be alone in the house was Edward's bedroom, and I certainly couldn't go in there with him.

Edward nodded and turned to lean on the balcony rail, looking out into the dark garden.

I didn't want to stand too close to him. I didn't want to smell him. I didn't want to be in touching distance of him. I didn't trust myself.

So, instead of joining him, I sat behind him, on the small swing seat that was near the patio door, hoping the swaying motion would calm my nerves slightly. I wasn't expecting this tonight. I thought maybe if I saw him, Edward and I would exchange pleasantries, and I'd pick up on some aspects of his life from his family's conversations, but I wasn't expecting Edward to need to talk to me as urgently as he claimed to.

I lifted my feet off the cold deck and hugged my knees as the silence around us echoed painfully.

"Well?" I asked, getting impatient with Edward.

"I…I don't know where to start…I don't know how to say this…" He stayed with his back to me alarming me with his words.

"Say what?" I choked out, my breath a white cloud in the freezing air surrounding us.

I knew Emmett wasn't one for subtlety, so Edward's whole family would know by now that we were out here, and Edward would get shit for it when he got back inside. Whatever he wanted to say had to be worth risking all that.

My mind raced as I ditched my plan of sitting calmly and stood to confront him. He must have heard my movements because he turned to face me.

When he saw me hugging myself for warmth, he reached into a weathered storage box and pulled out a tartan blanket, passing it to me and waiting until I'd wrapped it around my shoulders before he continued to talk.

"I need to tell you that I'm sorry."

I involuntarily scoffed, making Edward pause, give me a concerned look, and then continue. "I got so caught up in college life, I can see that now. I wasn't strong enough." I looked at him dumbstruck at what he was telling me. He turned away and looked over the railing again as he spoke further.

"I thought I'd be better off single. College is for new experiences and all that. The guys were ribbing me, saying I was wasting my college life having a girlfriend back home."

I rolled my eyes. I'd guessed as much. Edward was a strong, independent thinker but I knew he'd want to fit in. Emmett had flourished at college. He'd been the ultimate man's man, and Edward felt he had a lot to live up to.

Edward didn't see my reaction, he continued to speak out to the garden, not looking at me.

"I saw all my new buddies being single and going out and getting up to all sorts. I…I couldn't do that, it was hard to make friends when we were so different."

My stomach dropped. I'd suspected as much but to hear Edward speak those actual words made me close my eyes from the visions they conjured up in my mind. Visions of him out in Chicago with friends egging him on to approach a hot girl or chat up some leggy blonde.

I lowered my face into the blanket, trying to clear my thoughts and shelter myself from the words to come. Unfortunately, that backfired because the blanket's cold, woody smell only reminded me of chilly nights gathered around the fire pit, laughing and joking together. I tried to push away the memories of his hand stroking my thighs as we chatted to friends and snuck a beer.

Edward was oblivious to the memories flashing before my eyes as he carried on talking. "I thought I was doing the right thing by finishing with you first and not cheating."

Edward's words brought me crashing back to reality. Into the here and now. I gasped, unable to believe the words he was saying.

"Finishing? Seriously? Doing the right thing would have been to never promise me forever, six weeks before you dumped me." My voice came out hostile, but firm. I was surprised at how much anger I felt. Edward might have thought he was saying the things I wanted to hear because I did want him to be repentant for the things he'd done. I thought, if he was, I'd feel better. But he was failing, and I didn't feel any better. I felt mad. Really mad.

Edward turned to me and studied my face. His was covered in anxiety and concern, but that didn't stop me.

I tightened the blanket around my shoulders, noting the light snowflakes that were starting to fall around us. They landed on Edward's hair, melting instantly, just like I did whenever I was around him.

"Really, Bella. I'm so sorry…"

"Sorry? For what." I was mad now as I stepped closer to him. "For fucking some other girl? Huh? For wanting her more than me? For promising me so much? For making me believe in us? Believe we were strong enough, then…" my voice cracked, and my words turned to choked, sobbing sounds as I stepped even closer to him.

I didn't even notice when I dropped the blanket. I didn't feel the cold as my clenched fists found his chest and I pelted him with blow after blow. I clawed at his shirt, jabbed at his chest, pulled and twisted the fabric that was separating me from him.

He wasn't fazed. He merely caught my fists, holding them loosely at first so I could fight off his hold and deliver another blow, but then he held my fists slightly tighter, just enough to stop my movements.

I froze so close to him. Closer than we'd been in weeks. Edward remained silent but held onto my wrists, reminding me of his strength, the feel of his chest under my fingers, the smell of his hair.

Him. Just him.

My breathing was ragged, and my chest was heaving, our cloudy puffs of air mixing together in the coldness surrounding us.

I wanted to hit him and kiss him all at the same time. I wanted to crawl up his body and hold him and never leave. I wanted to knee him in the balls and stamp on his heart as I walked away without so much as a backward glance.

But I didn't.

I waited for him to talk and say whatever he was planning to tell me.

Waited for him to deliver the final devastating blow to my heart. To break me. To take away any last shred of hope I was holding onto.

To tell me he'd moved on.

Part of me wanted to leave now, to never hear those words. If he'd been with someone else, I could never unlearn that information, never have any hope for us ever again.

"Bella…" his voice was calm and pleading but full of concern. "Bella, look at me."

It was only when I looked up at him that I realized I was crying. Thick fat tears were rolling down my cheeks just as quickly as the snowflakes falling from the sky all around us.

Mortified, I wriggled my hands free from his and swiped furiously at my treacherous tears, wondering absently how long I'd been crying and hoping like hell I would be able to stop.

I snapped out of my fury and backed away. Away from his perfect chest. Away from his shoulders, damp from the snow. Away from his concerned face.

Away from him.

I turned to leave. I couldn't do this. I couldn't look at him and want him so much but know that we were over.

 **Thanks to RebAdams for being my pre-reader and M-Sparkle for the great banner. Thanks Frannie Walsh and Sarcastic Bimbo for being betas for this chapter and thanks to anyone who has rec'ed, reviewed and liked this story so far. Please let me know your thoughts!**


	4. Chapter 4

**Thank you for your reviews.**

 **Apologies, but this chapter is currently unbetaed. I didn't want to post late so I'm putting it up as it is now and will replace it with a betaed version ASAP.**

 **I don't own Twilight or its characters; they belong to Stephanie Meyer. This is just what they got up to in my mind.**

I took a few steps towards the patio doors, my feet crunching in the crisp, white snow that had already settled on the decking. Before I reached for the door handle I paused and turned back to face Edward.

If I didn't listen to what he had to say now I'd always worry what he was about to tell me. My mind skipped straight to the worst case senario, he had brought some new girlfriend back for Christmas with his family.

Or he was engaged.

Or married.

Or she was pregnant.

I shook my head, I needed to stop overthinking this and start facing reality. "Did you…have you been with anyone else?" I swallowed thickly, barely able to voice those words.

"Bella…"

"Edward, please," I insisted, speaking through gritted teeth. He owed me the truth.

Edward ran his hands through his hair, brushing off the falling snow and sighing as he did so.

My heart dropped to my feet. Then lower. I'm pretty sure it left my body because I could no longer feel it beating and I was beginning to feel faint.

I couldn't breath.

He wasn't answering me.

"Edward?" I whispered.

"No. No, Bella, I haven't." He sounded adamant.

As I watched the snow build on the railing Edward had been leaning on minutes ago, I processed his answer.

No.

I let the word seep into my brain, my body, my soul. The silence surrounding us was amplified by the falling snow. There was no distant traffic noise, no chatter creeping through from the house, nothing to detract from his voice, his words.

No

I let that word help my heart beat again, help my breathing regulate and let my eyes rise to meet his.

"Honestly?" I asked, still shocked.

"Honestly." Edward answered. I knew he was telling the truth. I could still read him. "Not even close," he scoffed, shaking his head, more to himself than me.

He took a step closer to me, pushing his hands into his pockets as he spoke. "I'm telling the truth, Bella. But while we're talking about this I should tell you I took a girl back to my room," he admitted, looking shamefaced. "I was so damn miserable. I wanted to forget you and what I'd done to you, but nothing happened, I asked her to leave when I realized…" he trailed off.

"Realized what?" I prompted, unsure whether to be mad that he'd gone that far with someone else, or relieved that he hadn't gone any further.

"That she didn't smile like you. That she didn't have that little freckle you have on your collarbone. That she didn't laugh at my unfunny jokes. That she didn't smell like you. That she wasn't you."

He paused, pulled his hands from his pockets and took another step closer to me. Baby steps, closer and closer.

Too close. Closer than we'd been in weeks. So close I could smell him. His aftershave. His shampoo. Just him.

I took a step backwards, needing the space to think clearly.

Edward merely stepped forward, closing the gap once again as this time he held my elbows.

"I realized she didn't love me like you love me. And I didn't love her like I love you."

My eyes widened at his unexpected words as I took in a deep breath of icy cold air. It hit me with such sharpness I didn't know if it was Edward's words or the ice cold air that was freezing my ability to think straight.

"I know right?" He laughed but there was no humour in his tone. "It was a pretty inconvenient time to realize, just as another chick wanted to unbutton my shirt."

I recoiled from his words, but Edward held my elbows even tighter, reassuring me.

"She didn't get as far as the top button…she left. I never saw her again. Or any other woman for that matter. One of my buddies even asked me if I was gay because I'd shown so little interest in women. He was ready to hook me up with his brother!"

Edward tried to interject some humor as I stared at him.

"Edward, this is a lot of information to take in. It's hard for me to believe you know what you want now." Was Edward really saying he still loved me and wanted us to get back together?

"I know exactly what I want. I also know I made a massive mistake."

Edward looked sheepish as he glanced up at me leaving me glad for his honesty, but confused by his words because it was hard to believe this whole conversation was happening.

"How do I know you won't just change your mind a few months down the line?"

"No." Edward was emphatic as he shook his head. "God, no, Bella." I've been without you for forty-two days, I'm not doing that again. Not if I can help it. Not if I can rectify this."

"I don't know if we can," I told him honestly.

"Then I'll wait." Edward wasn't fazed by my words, he took hold of my elbows and guided me out of the falling snow to the shelter of the swing seat I'd been sitting on not long ago.

Edward had already done the hard part by breaking up with me. If he truly didn't want us to be together he'd have made polite conversation with me earlier before letting me leave him to his family Christmas celebrations. He didn't need to be here, spilling his thoughts and feelings to me.

He picked up the discarded blanket on his way to the swing seat and passed it to me.

"Cute as that snow looks in your hair, if you catch a cold it'll be all my fault and I don't want to give you any more reasons to hate me."

I'd forgotten all about the cold and the snow settling around us, creating a white blanket that should last long enough for the kids to see tomorrow, on Christmas morning.

I was in too much shock at Edward's words to do anything with the blanket, I just held it and watched him take a seat next to me.

Right next to me, his thigh touching mine. So close.

"Bella, you're shaking." He sounded concerned as he took the blanket from me and leaned forward, scooping it over my shoulders and under my neck as I recoiled slightly from his closeness. His smell. His touch.

He seemed unfazed by my reaction as he studied my face.

"It's so good to see you. I've missed you so much." His voice cracked with emotion, emphasizing the truth behind his words.

I wasn't about to tell him how much I'd missed him. How I'd spent the three weeks after our break up wearing his jumper, until it no longer smelt like him. How I'd avoided places I knew I might bump into his family. How I'd walked the long way to Math class, just so I didn't pass his photo in the sports trophy cabinet.

"Really?" Was all I could manage.

Edward scoffed. "Yes. I know I've been such a jerk, such a damn idiot and I know I've hurt you so much, but...we were so good together...remember?"

It was my turn to stare at him. Remember? I'd spent six weeks trying to forget.

"Bella?"

I snapped out of my thoughts.

"I know I'm going to have to make this up to you but I want you. I want to make us work."

"You want me back?" I clarified. I knew he'd made it pretty obvious by now, but disbelief still clouded my tone.

"Yes!" Edward breathed out, his hand resting on my thigh, warming me up instantly.

"But you were adamant…you…" I ran out of words. I didn't understand.

"I know I haven't been making much sense lately, Bella but I'm trying to admit that I know I was wong. I wasn't strong enough." Edward shrugged, as he left his words hanging in the cold air for a few seconds. He reached over and lifted my chin, raising my eyes to meet his before he spoke again.

"I was selfish. I let the peer pressure of college get to me. I'm not going to play the victim here, but you need to know how hard I was finding Chicago. College life wasn't going the way it should, the way it did for Emmett or the other freshers I'd met, and I tried to fix how I was feeling, but instead I made everything ten times worse and I screwed up. Big time. I should have turned to you for support rather than turn against you. I've learnt that now."

He must have noticed my confusion because he continued. "I was miserable, missing you all the damn time. I felt like missing you and doing college long distance with my mind constantly back in Seattle was what was making life tough. I thought that was what was holding me back from making friends and settling in. This was never about being with someone else, it was me thinking if I could commit fully to Chicago without looking backwards all the time, I'd be happier."

He scoffed. "Clearly that wasn't the case. I was miserable without you, Bella. I'd find myself picking up my cell to call you, and if something happened, you were the first person I wanted to tell. I...I know I fucked up, so badly."

"This wasn't about your being with someone else?" I repeated his words back to him.

"No. I realize now people assumed that and I didn't correct them. Maybe I should have, but I didn't want to admit to anyone how hard I was finding it being away from home, from family, from you. It was easier to let people think I was some horny teenager wanting to take full advantage of college life than it was to admit I was homesick like a little kid away at summer camp for the first time."

"But you're admitting it now."

He nodded and ran his hands up his stubbled jaw. "Yeah, because I owe you the truth." Edward huffed, clearly frustrated at himself. He took a deep breath and continued.

"Bella, I know I made a massive decision about your life, our lives, and you had no control over that. I'm sorry. But now it's your turn to make a decision and I understand if you want to hurt me the way I hurt you..."

"Edward..." I interrupted. "I don't want to hurt you, I just don't want to be a weak idiot and come running back into your arms the minute you decide you want me back."

He shook his head. "This isn't my decision. It's yours, you have the power now. You have options now and I'm letting you know that I'm one of them."

I looked at him. Really looked. His angular, stubbled jaw was clenched as if he was desperate to say more but stopping himself. His chaotic hair was dusted with fresh, pure white snowflakes that rested momentarily on the copper strands before melting away to who knows where. His body was tense and alert, waiting to hear what his future would be. And his eyes...they were so sad. They reminded me of the Edward I'd seen when Carlisle returned home from the hospital and told the family Grandma Cullen hadn't made it through the night.

In this moment, sat in front of me, he looked so venerable, so young, so like the Edward in childhood photos hanging in the hallway. But, as he relaxed his jaw and sat up straighter, he looked stronger, like the man I'd seen him grow into, like the man I was in love with.

I could pretend we weren't going to get back together. I could pretend I needed time, or a break, or to date someone else and make him suffer like I had, but I couldn't do it with any conviction because none of that was what I wanted.

I wanted him. Right or wrong, I wanted him.

Now. Not in two weeks when I'd made him wait. Not when Christmas had been and gone and I'd spent it alone and confused.

I now had the chance to spend Christmas and New Year with him. Maybe it was the Christmas magic in the air, or maybe the kid's excitement had rubbed off on me, but I knew I wouldn't make him wait. We'd wasted enough time already. It was the season of love and forgiveness and, as we sat in silence I watched the snow fall elegantly around us and listened to the faint sounds of Silent Night drifting in the air.

I looked into his eyes and I saw it. His regret. His hurt. His love.

I nodded at him. "How long have you wanted us back together?"

He sighed, ran his hand through his hair and sat back in the seat. "I knew I'd made a mistake as soon as I walked down your driveway away from you. I left Forks that same night, so I didn't have to face my family. I thought over the next few days and weeks I'd start to feel better. I thought I just needed time to get into the swing of my new life, but it never happened."

He stared out to the garden, looking mesmerized by the falling snow before turning back to me. "I'm sorry this is what it took to make me realize how good we were together, and to realize just how much I love you."

"Love or loved?" I whispered the words, not really sure I wanted to hear the answer.

Edward's fingers stroked softly over my thigh, such a small movement but with such big connotations.

"I've always loved you. I will always love you, even when I don't want to!" he joked. "I realize what we have is special, I know that now and I'll never forget it." His finger edged onto my thigh again, drawing small circles on the denim of my jeans, saying so much by doing so little.

I blew out a frosty breath and watched Edward's long finger as I tried to process his words.

"I know you might have moved on...I might be too late…I get it…"

I scoffed at the idea of moving on from Edward. Being with someone else so soon was unfathomable to me.

"I wouldn't blame you, Bella," he added. "Plenty of guys at that school were eager to be in my shoes, trust me, surely Mike Newton has hit on you by now?" His voice was humorous, but I heard the slight bitterness when he spoke of Mike, a guy in my year and almost all my classes at school.

"I, errr, he wouldn't have had much of a chance. I haven't been attending as many classes as I should lately," I admitted quietly as Edward expression turned from questioning to confused.

"Bella? Seriously? You need to graduate on time, baby, Seattle's waiting for you," he encouraged as I listened to his casual use of the word baby.

"You still want to go there for college, right?" He checked, knowing that's what I'd wanted since before we met.

"Of course. I got back on track. I'm on course to graduate just fine." I'd never let him derail my plans, heartbroken or not, I'd make it out of this town next year, no guy could stop me of that.

"Good." Edward looked relieved but still looked serious when he spoke again. "I know I have no right turning up here and wanting you back, but I want you to know, I'll wait. If you need time, I'll wait for you."

"Edward, I don't want to take you back, just like that…"

"I know." Despite his agreement, his body language looked defeated. His shoulders slumped, and his fingers froze on my thigh.

"No. I said I don't want to take you back so quickly, not that I wouldn't. I love you, that's not a secret. I spent a lot of time lately wishing I didn't, but I do."

Edward smiled, the first genuine smile I'd seen from him in months.

"You do?"

"Don't push it," I warned him. "I might not be able to stop loving you, but I might not be able to stop hating you right now either. You fucking broke us, Edward!"

"I know, and I'll say I'm sorry a thousand times if it'll help."

"It won't. I haven't forgiven you yet...but I'm willing to try."

Edward's lips rose in a genuine smile as I tried to remain angry and not give in to the smile tugging at my own lips.

I didn't want to forgive him to easily, I wanted him to know how much he'd hurt me, how his actions broke me, broke us, but it was hard to remain angry when he was saying everything I'd dreamt he'd say.

He wanted me back. He loved me. He didn't leave me for someone else. He hadn't been with anyone else. He was sorry. He'd learnt a valuable lesson.

This could make us stronger, eventually.

"Bella, these past few weeks have been the worst of my life, but I have learned a lot of things. I've learned that I can live without you...I just don't want to. I'm not exactly pleased this has happened but that's really powerful to know—that I'm choosing to be with you. We're not together out of habit or cowardliness, it's because I want to be with you and because I love you."

"Are you sure? I can pick myself up from this and move on but if you did it again…"

"I won't. I've learned my lesson and I'll prove it to you."

"How are you gonna do that, huh?"

He smiled as his hand crept onto my thigh and squeezed.

"You'll see."

We sat in silence for a few minutes while I tried to process everything Edward had said. I looked out at the skies, to where the snow was still falling thick and fast.

I'd been so angry at Edward, for so long that I didn't want to be angry anymore. I didn't want to waste energy on negative emotions. I wanted to believe him and believe we could make this work. It sounded like he'd been fighting is own battles in Chicago and it certainly hadn't been all fun and games for him like I'd imagined.

"Where did you go tonight?" I asked, suddenly curious. It was odd that he hadn't been here when I arrived, I'd have expected him to spend all of his short visit with his family.

"I was looking for you."

My gaze snapped to meet his. "What?"

"Yeah. I landed at four, dropped my bags and, much to my mother's dismay, left straight away. I wanted to see you before Christmas. I'd just about given up when I came home and there you were, in my kitchen, all soft skin and sad eyes, all cute and…just you."

"Just me," I whispered. Just Bella. Edward had free reign of who knows how many hot girls and he wanted me? It felt good to know I hadn't over judged our connection, our love. He felt it, too, and neither of us had been able to move on.

While I'd never be pleased this had happened, I had to agree with him. It was good to know we were choosing to be together because we wanted to be, not out of old habits or fear of an alternative future.

"I know we have a lot more to discuss, and we will need to work through this for a while yet, but maybe we should go inside and get warm and dry?" Edward suggested, looking out at the snow falling so fast we couldn't see past the decking into the garden any longer.

I turned to him and nodded. "Are you ready to go inside and face the inquisition?"

"God, my family's gonna give me such shit over this," Edward said, running his hand through his hair, but sounding cheerful. "Emmett turned up in Chicago to…"

"What? He flew there?" I was stunned. He had a job and a young family, he couldn't just fly across the country at a minute's notice.

"Yeah," Edward emphasised. "Apparently Mom and Dad were worried I was on drugs or something. They sent him to find out 'why I'd lost my damn mind'," he quoted as I loved the Cullen family a bit more than ever. "Emmett gave me a right ear full, we ended up fighting and..."

"What! Were you okay?"

"You won't be surprised to hear Emmett came out of that fight better than me. I ended up with a black eye…"

"What!"

"It wasn't his fault," Edward clarified. "He was trying to shove me off him and somewhere in the mix my cheekbone slammed into a street light pole."

"But you two are okay, now?" I checked. I'd hate to come between Edward and Emmett and be a cause of friction between them.

"Yeah, we're fine. When he left, he was still pissed at me but at least he believed I wasn't getting high each night." Edward tried to sound casual, but I could tell he wasn't proud of his actions.

Edward slid the patio doors and held them open for me. As I stepped through, he held the small of my back, touching me, guiding me, helping me. Choosing to be with me.

 **Thanks to RebAdams for being my pre-reader and M-Sparkle for the great banner. Thanks to anyone who has rec'ed, reviewed and liked this story so far. Please let me know your thoughts!**


	5. Chapter 5

**Thanks so much to everyone who has engaged with this story. I value all your reviews and opinions and like that so many of you are along for the ride.**

 **I don't own Twilight or its characters; they belong to Stephanie Meyer. This is just what they got up to in my mind.**

Edward guided me inside, his hand instantly warming my back despite the fact that my top was wet from the snow. It was only then I realized how cold and damp it had become while we were outside talking.

"Good Lord, you two!" Esme squealed, hastily closing the oven she'd been looking in as the turned to us.

"I didn't know you were out there, you must be frozen." She looked more shocked about our state than the fact that we'd been outside, together.

"We got a bit carried away," Edward told his mom, "... talking," he added when her eyebrows rose in surprise.

"Right. Yes ...well ..." Esme looked unsure about what to say, but she smiled, then tried to tamper down her grin as we stood in a slightly uncomfortable silence. I saw the moment she spotted Edward's arm around my back and the way we stood so close together. "Well …" I could hear the hopefulness in her voice.

I don't think I'd ever seen Esme so lost for words. She folded and unfolded the dishcloth she was holding as she spoke. "That's good. And ... I don't know if this is going to be awkward for you two, but I don't think Bella will be driving anywhere anytime soon." She turned from looking at Edward to me. "I'd never forgive myself if I let you out in that snow, dear."

I smiled at her motherly concern and nodded. "It's coming down rather quickly out there, I think there'll be plenty for the kids to see in the morning."

"That's okay, Mom. We, ummm, Bella's going to stay for a bit anyway," Edward told her, his arm draping around my shoulder to add emphasis to his words.

"Oh. Okay. I see. Well ... sure, I mean that's great. Really great." She smiled widely and looked like she wanted to say more, but she changed the subject instead.

"How about you two get some dry clothes on, and I'll have this cherry pie hot and ready when you come back."

"Thanks, Mom," Edward told her, thanking her for more than just the food.

"We need to find you something dry to wear," Edward mused as we left the kitchen.

"I have my gym bag in the car, I should be able to salvage something from there," I told him.

Edward headed upstairs while I raced back out into the snow, grabbed my duffle bag and returned to the welcome warmth of the Cullen's.

I didn't quite know what was happening. Only a few hours ago I'd approached the house resigned to the fact that it would be the last time I'd see these people in my life. Now I was ... what was I doing?

I used the downstairs bathroom to change into a pair of fresh leggings and t-shirt, but I didn't have a sweater in my gym bag. I tidied my hair in the mirror and smiled at my reflection. My face had thinned out recently, but now it looked, well ... merry and bright. My eyes were shining like Christmas lights, and back in the heat of the house, my cheeks were flushed red like Santa himself. It was really quite fitting as I felt the Christmas spirit wash over me for the first time this season.

Edward wanted us to be a couple again, not because it was the easy option, not because we were already together, but because he missed me. Us. He had other options, and yet he still wanted me.

When I left the bathroom, Edward was waiting outside the door for me. He was now dressed in loose-fitting, pale denim jeans, and a red and black checked shirt.

He was resting one leg against the wall, waiting. When he saw me, he kicked off from the wall as he held out one of his gray hoodies. I thanked him and slipped it over my head as I took in a deep breath, smelling Edward's scent on the sweatshirt.

He caught me and chuckled. "You have the real thing now, remember?"

He wanted me back.

He still loved me.

While we clearly had a way to go before we were completely comfortable with each other, this was still the best Christmas present I could have dreamt of.

I leaned forward and slowly rested my head on his chest in a tentative hug. Checking he was real. Checking that he was really here.

He pulled me closer and held me, his arms locked together around me, holding me close. We didn't speak; we just listened to the Christmas songs and muffled voices coming from the living room. I felt his warm chest rising and falling under my cheek. I felt his arms, his strength, enveloping me and keeping me warmer than any sweater could.

Edward kissed the top of my head with a contented sigh before he rested his chin on the spot he'd kissed and squeezed me even tighter. I don't know how long we stayed like that, unmoving in his hallway. We didn't move from our stance, even when Esme came past with a hot pie in her hands and a soft smile on her face.

Finally, I withdrew, missing Edward's hold immediately. I told him I was going to put my gym bag in the hallway, with my shoes and coat. I needed a minute to process that this was real.

Edward tucked a strand of hair behind my ear with soft affection and nodded.

Once I'd deposited my bag and took a few minutes to compose myself, I found Edward in the living room, in a strong bear hug with Emmett while the rest of his family watched.

When Emmett caught sight of me over Edward's shoulder, he dropped out of his hug with his brother and came striding over to me.

"Thank fuck…" he slapped his big bear hands over his mouth. "Oops, sorry kids, I mean thank goodness, my brother has seen sense!" He scooped me up into a heartfelt hug, my feet leaving the ground in his enthusiasm.

"Give him shit though, yeah?" He whispered in my ear, making me chuckle as he lowered me back to the floor.

"Don't worry, he's not off the hook just yet." I chuckled at Emmett.

"Seriously, though…" he started, lowering his voice. "He was a miserable fuck without you, I know he's being genuine, Bella."

"Thanks, Emmett." I smiled at Edward's brother, pleased I'd get to see him regularly again.

Carlisle was now clapping Edward on the back and saying something I couldn't hear, while Alice and Rosalie approached to hug me and every child in the room was looking thoroughly confused.

"This is so good," Esme announced loudly, enveloping Edward in a hug. "I'm so relieved you're not a drug addict!" she announced loudly as he chuckled. He straightened up from their hug just as she caught his eye "Were you though ... before?" she checked, with jest in her words but seriousness in her eyes.

"No, Mom!" Edward reassured her. "I'm studying medicine, I know more than most what that stuff does to you."

"Good. When the time comes, you can tell your nieces and nephews all the horror stories, but right now, I'm in a particularly festive mood. Carlisle, dear, we should break out the board games."

A collective good-hearted sigh echoed around the room as I just watched.

Watched the smiles on everyone's faces.

Watched as Petey picked up a present from under the tree and shook it, trying to figure out what it was.

Watched as Carlisle walked to the sideboard and started calling out the names of some favorite games, deciding by popular opinion, which one would be played first.

Watched as Edward caught my eye from across the room. His gaze made my stomach ache, his presence made my skin tingle, and once he'd moved closer, his touch reminded me how good it felt to be wanted by him.

Watched, Esme served up the warm pie, and fresh cream and the whole family gathered around the dining table as Wham sang about last Christmas.

I smiled; I wasn't so bothered about last Christmas, I could finally look forward to this one.

I breathed it all in. All the love in the room from the whole family. I knew Edward, and I still had a lot to work out. I had plenty of questions to ask him, but right now, surrounded by family, Christmas songs and Christmas magic, I was happy to just sit and process everything that had happened tonight.

"Bella? Are you playing? Come and join my team!" Alice shouted over.

"I'd love too," I replied.

ooooooooOOOOOOOOoooooooo

"Jeez, I thought those kids would never fall asleep!" Emmett flopped down on the sofa, throwing his arm around his wife's shoulders as he relaxed with a contented sigh.

"Don't get too comfy." Rosalie patted his thigh. "We have a car full of plastic crap and batteries to unpack."

"Ugh. Seriously? This Santa guy has a lot to answer for." Emmett grumbled as Jasper agreed with a nod of his head.

"We'll all help," Carlisle started as the whole Cullen clan agreed and began to move.

"Before you do there's one present I want to give out tonight." Edward turned to me, making my eyes widen in confusion.

Everyone paused and stayed in their seats.

Edward looked around the room nervously, his gaze hovering over his parents' faces before he stood and pulled an envelope from his back pocket. He sat back down facing me, looking worried.

"Merry Christmas, Bella. I'd have given you a proper gift, but I didn't know if ... you know …" he trailed off and shrugged before handing me the envelope.

"I know I have to earn your trust again, so hopefully, this will help."

I took the paper he was offering as everyone in the room watched in silence. I could tell they didn't know what this was either.

As I opened the envelope, I saw the heading on the paper first, University of Washington, Seattle Campus, Pre Med Program. Next was Edward's name followed by confirmation that his request to transfer to Seattle had been successful and he could start the new semester with them in January.

I looked up at Edward, wide-eyed. "You transferred?"

"Yep." He was trying to gauge my reaction.

"You ... when? Wow!"

"I applied for a transfer to Seattle, I'll still study medicine," he added hastily, glancing in his parents' direction. "The first year of the two courses are so similar, they both cover the basics before we pick our specialties and I've transferred before the work placements start so everything will be fine," he explained.

I vaguely heard Esme squeal in delight, but I was busy making a fool of myself.

I leaped forward into Edward's arms. Unfortunately, not his waiting arms, because he wasn't prepared for my move, but he did manage to steady us as my body slammed into his in a fierce hug.

Edward's gesture was what I unknowingly needed to show how serious he was. To show he wants me. And us. And he was prepared to work and make sacrifices for our future.

"Even if you go to a different college, it still gives us this year together, and I figured if you do end up there like you always planned, we'd be together. Maybe you can dorm your first year to get the full college experience, and then we can get a place together…" he stopped himself, realizing what he'd just said to me, and in front of his whole family.

I settled back into my seat. Christmas Eve or not, I didn't feel right sitting on his lap like a kid chatting to Santa.

"Edward, I don't want you making this sacrifice for me ... I don't want you resenting me…"

"I won't. I did it for us. It's the least I could do."

"But what if I'd moved on?"

"Then I'd have had to win you back, and I couldn't do that from Chicago."

He was serious.

"Plus, I kinda missed some of these guys, so it's a win-win." He shrugged and grinned around the room.

"I ... I'm thrilled." I replied seriously.

Edward leaned forward and squeezed my hand. I could see the look in his eyes, he wanted to lean further forward and kiss me, and I didn't know if it was our situation that was stopping him or his assembled family. Instead, he held my gaze for a fraction longer than usual before turning away.

"Dad, I hope you're not disappointed in me, I know Chicago's your alma mater and Emmett made it work there but … I had to ... I can't leave you all…"

Carlisle smiled fondly at his youngest child. "Edward," he chuckled, "I could never be disappointed in you." His tone was so heartfelt as he stood and gestured for Edward to do the same. He enveloped his son in a hug, which ended with a couple of back slaps. "You've learned what's important in life. I'm proud of you," he told Edward before turning to me and nodding.

Esme was on her feet, almost pushing her husband out of the way in her eagerness to hug Edward herself. She clapped her hands together, her happiness spilling over as she laughed and hugged her youngest son. "Edward, we had no idea you were planning this. You're really moving back? Oh, this is the best Christmas present ever!"

When Esme finally released Edward, she turned to hug Carlisle, whispering to him while Emmett stood to offer Edward a hug. "I'm really pleased for you, bro. I think you've made a good decision."

"I had some help." Edward smiled affectionately at his brother as they parted.

Emmett grinned. "Besides, Chicago isn't all it's cracked up to be. That steak wasn't half as good as Sue's cafe." He softly punched Edward's arm before continuing. "Now you'll be here to help with stuff, like emptying half of Target's toy aisles from my car." Emmett covered up his emotions with jokes, but I could tell he was pleased to have his little brother closer, and not just for odd jobs.

Everyone else piled out the room, ready to unload Emmett and Alice's cars and play Santa Clause for the night, but Edward and I hung back in the living room.

"Are you sure about this, Edward?" I held up his letter, clinging onto it as proof that Edward wanted us to work and he was prepared to show it.

"Of course."

"But you must have applied for a transfer weeks ago."

"I did. But, I knew in order to be accepted by Seattle I needed full attendance in Chicago. I couldn't come back here and miss classes; I had to finish the term with good grades." Edward stood close to me and rubbed his hands up and down my arms in a comforting gesture.

"That's why you missed Alice's birthday." I mused as he nodded.

The whole family had been so worried about Edward when he didn't visit for his sister's birthday, that Emmett phoned me to see if I'd heard from him. I knew he hated contacting me and picking at my open wound, but it was so unlike Edward to miss a family function. But now I understood. He did it for us.

"This is date stamped yesterday," I stated, once again looking over the letter.

"Yeah, I knew about a month ago that a transfer would be approved if I kept up my attendance and grades, but it wasn't confirmed until term ended that I had secured a place in Seattle. I wanted to have the letter before I told you. I want you to know how seriously sorry I am, how I would do anything to help you move on from this, to help _us_ move on ... together."

Edward held my hands sincerely, his thumbs stroking my palms lightly as Emmett crashed into the room, wolf whistling as he approached us.

"Hey, you two, grab a bag!" Emmett thrust a full Santa sack at each of us and started barking instructions about where to put the contents.

Once the bulk of the work was done, Edward and I left the others to ready the house for the tornado of excited kids that would hit it early tomorrow.

Edward grabbed my hand, intertwining his fingers in mine so effortlessly I could almost forget he hadn't done it in weeks. His hand was warm in mine, but his smile was even warmer.

His eyes met mine, and he nodded upstairs, silently questioning me.

I nodded back to him, returning his grin as he stood, and I followed.

Always following him, always wanting to be with him. And now I knew he wanted to be with me, too.

 **Thanks to Frannie Walsh being beta for this chapter, RebAdams for being my pre-reader and M-Sparkle for the great banner. All mistakes are mine as I'm often adding to this story up to the last minute. Thanks to anyone who has rec'ed, reviewed and liked this story so far. Please let me know your thoughts!**


	6. Chapter 6

**Welcome back...**

 **I don't own Twilight or its characters; they belong to Stephanie Meyer. This is just what they got up to in my mind.**

As we made our way to the stairs, we passed the front door, and I peeked outside into the darkness. The snow was still falling, slower now, but there was no way I was going to drive home in that weather. Besides, I wanted to spend more time with Edward, to know this was real. We needed to spend time together to reacquaint, and Christmas seemed the perfect time to do that.

I text my dad to tell him I was staying here and wouldn't be at home when he got back. He was on night shifts at work and his usual pattern was to finish nights and sleep until after lunch time, grab some food and head to work again. I'd message him tomorrow and hopefully see him in the afternoon, but for now all I wanted to do was stay with Edward and not answer my dad's questions about _why_ I was staying with Edward.

I brushed away Edward's sympathy when he realized I'd have spent Christmas day alone. I knew Edward, and his parents, had strong opinions about my flaky parents but they tried to keep their opinions to themselves, except every once in a while, when Edward got overly annoyed at them, like now. I pointed out if I was spending Christmas with my parents, I wouldn't be free to spend it here with him. He suddenly didn't mind my flaky parents so much after that.

We said goodnight to everyone and settled in Edward's room as we had done plenty of times in the past, but this time it felt different. It was different.

For the next three hours, we sat on his bed, chatting and reconnecting. He filled me in on his tough classes and college life, and I got him up to speed with the school gossip. Then we talked about deeper issues, how we would move forward together as a couple and the specifics of his move and relocation back home.

I had no idea he'd had such a tough time in Chicago. Sure, I thought he was a dick for his recent behavior, but knowing how miserable he'd been made me realize it wasn't just me who had been hurting this whole time.

I'll admit, I wanted Edward to feel the hurt I was experiencing when we'd been apart, but when he described how the last few months had been for him, I realized he had felt it. What he was describing was a broken heart, just like mine.

I watched him talking, I'd missed his angular jaw and rather liked the stubbled look he had going on. I watched his hands, gesticulating as he spoke, and watched his long legs as he shifted position and got more comfortable on the bed.

After I yawned several times in a row, Edward smiled softly at me. Neither of us had much in the way of nightclothes. The clothes I'd arrived in had already been washed and dried by Esme, but I wanted to keep them clean for the morning. And Edward hadn't unpacked yet, insisting he wanted to sit with me instead.

"Come here." He relaxed back on his bed, sat up against his headboard and stretched an arm out, welcoming me.

I wasn't sure I was ready to be so close to him, but my body took over from my mind, wanting to rekindle our physical connection.

The sigh that escaped my mouth as I settled next to him was entirely involuntary, but I felt at peace. At home. And calmer than I had in weeks.

Edward kissed the top of my head, and I felt him relax next to me.

"Fuck, I've missed you." His lips stayed in my hair as he kissed me again, soft kisses on my forehead as his hand curled around my side and rested on my hip.

I turned on my side, closer to him, tucking my head under his chin, tentatively resting my fingertips on his chest. Christ, he smelled so good. So familiar. So ... Edward.

I hooked a leg over his, intertwining our legs as I reached forward, barely daring to believe this was more than a daydream or fantasy. Edward was here. He was serious about our relationship and was changing his life to prove it.

I stroked the soft cotton of his shirt, my fingertips finding the gap between two buttons and peeking through to feel his soft skin and the hardness of his chest underneath.

I didn't realize I'd groaned out loud until Edward chuckled. "Still going for the chest, huh?"

"Always," I whispered, my fingers almost shaking with anticipation as I slipped my hand back out and undid one of his shirt buttons before placing my whole palm through the gap on to this bare chest.

My fingers grazed over his warm skin and stroked at his chest, tentatively at first and then stronger.

Edward sighed contentedly as he looked down at me. I met his warm gaze and was amazed by the love shining back at me.

"Is this okay?" I whispered as he chuckled.

"Always." He echoed my word.

"I don't want the last person to have touched you to be 'another chick.'" I quoted as Edward looked simultaneously embarrassed and amused. "Besides, I've missed your chest, your body. You." I whispered, already setting to work on the next shirt button and anticipating the sight of his chest, any second now.

"Bella, I promise you, it didn't go anywhere with her. I couldn't. I just wanted you."

"Good. because I couldn't stomach it if you had..."

"I didn't. I only took her back to my room because the guys were goading me. Saying there was no point in me being single if I didn't meet new girls. I listened to those idiots instead of my own morals, my heart. I've learned my lesson, trust me. On my brother's life, Bella, I'm telling the truth."

I nodded. I knew him, and I believed him.

"So, you didn't do anything with Riley Biers?" Edward's voice was tentative but edged with concern.

I paused, my fingers still on his shirt button, and looked up at him. "What are you talking about?" I asked, my eyebrows drawn together in confusion.

"It's okay, Bella. I'd understand." His fingers found my elbow and brushed it lightly, making soft, cautious contact with me.

"No really, what on earth are you talking about?" I sat up to look at him properly.

"Emmett said he saw you out with Riley," Edward stated as my jaw dropped open.

"What!"

"Bella, I get it …" Edward ran his hands up my arms as I leaned back from him.

"Edward, I don't know what he was talking about."

"When he visited me in Chicago, he implied he'd seen you two in the diner …"

"Oh." It dawned on me what must have happened. "We had a final project that I was working on with Riley, Angela, and Jessica. Emmett must have seen Riley and me together before the others arrived."

"It sounds that way," Edward agreed with a shrug. "Either way Bella, I can't be mad at you." Edward sounded more relieved than angry, but I was still concerned.

"I'm sure it wouldn't be the first time a family came to blows over on Christmas Day, but please don't confront Emmett and make a scene." I asked Edward anxiously, not wanting to cause any issues between Edward and Emmett, any more than I perhaps already had.

"I won't." Edward was solemn. "Emmett was really good to me when he visited me in Chicago, I haven't properly said thank you. I mean … he knows … but I should talk to him properly."

"You should, but don't bring up me, I don't want to be the reason your family Christmas is ruined."

"Ruined?" He smiled adorably at me. "Ruined? Bella, you've made me the happiest man in the world this Christmas. You agreeing to take back my sorry ass is the best present I've ever had. Nothing will ruin this Christmas."

"Good, I may have agreed to take you back and be kind of over the moon that you want us back together, but this is going to take time. We can't just pick up where we left off, Edward, we need to build fresh."

"I understand," he agreed. "All that we had will come back in time, I'm sure of it. But for now, just knowing that will come is enough for me. And spending Christmas with you is more than I deserve."

"Well, all my best Christmases have been with you and your family, but this one is particularly special. In fact, I think there's only one way to improve it..." I set to work on the rest of his shirt buttons as he chuckled at me, knowing how much I loved his chest.

Once all the buttons were undone, I pulled apart the two sides of his shirt and rested my head on his warm skin as he ran his hands through my hair. I didn't know how much physical contact I was ready for, but I couldn't resist him. I leaned forward and placed a soft kiss on his sternum, his body warm and strong under my lips.

I groaned before forcing myself to stop, move back slightly, and relax. I rested my head on his bicep, drawing patterns on his chest with my fingertips as his hand gently stroked through my hair, over and over again.

"You know that will send me to sleep," I told him sighing contentedly.

"Sleep, baby, I'm just going to hold you a little longer."

 **Thanks to Frannie Walsh for being beta for this chapter, RebAdams for being my pre-reader and M-Sparkle for the great banner. All mistakes are mine as I'm often adding to this story up to the last minute. Please let me know your thoughts x**


	7. Chapter 7

**Time to hear from Edward...**

 **I don't own Twilight or its characters; they belong to Stephanie Meyer. This is just what they got up to in my mind.**

I was fairly certain Bella was asleep by now, but I continued to stroke her soft hair and just enjoy lying with her, her body warm next to me, her soft legs intertwined with mine. I rested back against the headboard of my bed, closed my eyes and mouthed a silent thank you to any deity up there that things had gone well with Bella.

She'd been understandably mad at me when we started to talk. I'd been expecting her to be angry, I deserved that, but when she got upset, my heart broke even further, if that was possible.

I meant what I said though, I took comfort from knowing we both wanted to be together. We weren't together out of habit or routine, we were choosing each other, and that felt good.

It felt even better when she parted my shirt, leaned down and kissed my chest, her soft lips spreading warmth to my whole body.

I'd wanted more, needed more, but I didn't push. I sat still and let her set the tone for our physical contact. I reveled in every move she made before lulling her to sleep, knowing she, like me, probably hadn't had a good night's sleep in over six weeks.

I smiled at the memory of Bella's face when she read my college letter. I was thrilled to be transferring and moving home, and I knew Bella felt the same. It would have been be much harder to get back together and repair the damaged I'd done if I was almost 2000 miles away.

I stretched my back slowly before wriggling free from under Bella's chest. I couldn't sleep yet, I was too pumped from the day and being back home, oh, and it was Christmas Eve, and I was still a bit of a kid at Christmas time.

I dimmed the light and pulled the covers up to Bella's shoulders before dropping a kiss on her forehead. She didn't stir as I almost fell over the open suitcase on my bedroom floor. I hadn't bothered up to unpack, good job my bedroom hadn't been turned into a gym yet, like Dad joked about many times in the past.

I padded softly downstairs, being particularly quiet because if I woke my crazy excited nieces and nephews when they'd finally all gone to sleep, I'd be pretty unpopular with the whole house.

I wasn't expecting to see anyone, I just wanted to savor being back in my childhood home, with my family. I poked my head into the family room. The tree lights were the only illuminations, twinkling away, throwing the pile of presents into bright light, then shadows, then light over and over again. I looked at the decorations on the tree, momentarily sad I wasn't here when it was decorated. I'd missed out on so much, which was all part of growing up and moving out, but it didn't mean I liked it.

I carried onto the kitchen, secretly hoping for another slice of pie before I returned to bed, where Bella was waiting for me. I smiled at that thought. I'd spent more nights than I cared to admit wishing she was with me, and now she was upstairs, in my bed. I couldn't blame her for still being hesitant, but we'd get past that. I knew in time we'd be fully back together and stronger than ever.

I clicked on the kitchen light, squinting momentarily at the brightness as I walked on auto-pilot towards the fridge. As I opened the door, I smiled at the Cling wrapped pie.

I licked my lips and set about warming a large slice in the microwave before adding a dollop of cold whipping cream. Just as I was about to take my first bite, I heard a familiar voice.

"Up looking for Santa, are you?" My dad was wearing checked lounge pants, a plain, gray T-shirt and a big smile.

"Nope. I've got all the presents I could wish for already, nothing Santa could bring can top my Christmas." I answered, sounding a little smug as I shoveled warm pie into my mouth to stop myself saying anything more.

My dad nodded at me, opened the cutlery drawer for a fork, and then joined me at the breakfast bar, pulling up a stool and helping himself to my plate of warm pie.

"I think your mother feels the same. You've made her Christmas." He loaded his fork with pie. "And mine." He took a bite as I smiled at him.

"Because of Bella or Seattle?" I asked somewhat cautiously.

"Because you're happy," he informed me matter a factly.

We continued to eat in a comfortable silence until all the pie was gone, which wasn't very long; I'd missed my mom's cooking.

"You've made some big decisions lately, son." He commented as he pushed away the empty plate and looked at me. "Just be sure you made them for you … not for your family, they have to be for you."

I scoffed. "I did it for me, trust me. I've learned my lesson; I'm going to appreciate Bella this time."

My dad nodded. "I'm glad. Your mom and I are very fond of Bella. That's not to say you can't live your own life and make your own decisions, but I'm pleased we'll see Bella around the house again. Her family … " he shook his head and I could tell he was choosing his words carefully. "I know they try, but I always felt like when she was with you, you made up for their absence, but then when she didn't have you anymore … " he shrugged.

I swallowed, ashamed again at the heartache I'd put Bella through, put us both through.

"Did you know Emmett serviced her car at the start of winter? He did it while she was in class …" my dad continued as I frowned.

"No. Did she know?"

"No, we didn't want to interfere, we tried to help subtly. Your Mom dropped money in Bella's tip jar when she wasn't looking, Alice ordered the odd takeaway to the wrong address, we just made sure we looked out for her."

"Thanks, Dad." My words didn't seem adequate for my family's actions, they'd looked after Bella when I couldn't. When I chose not to. "I had no idea."

He merely shrugged and nodded like his actions and words were no big deal. "We didn't want her to see our help as pity, we just wanted to show her some kindness. You know your Mom loves to help people and we felt if we couldn't help you, all the way in Chicago, we could help Bella. Your mom and I, Alice, Emmett … all of us, we were so worried about you, Edward."

I nodded, this wasn't exactly news to me. "So I heard. That's why you sent Emmett to Chicago to play detective on my life?"

His voice was more serious when he replied. "I won't apologize for being a concerned father. Edward, you can't drop off the radar like that again, _ever,_ you just can't." He dropped his head into his hands, as if he was trying to control his voice and his emotions. "Your mom ... she ... she wouldn't be able to cope with it again. We work through things together in this family, okay?"

I nodded, stunned into silence by the sincerity and forcefulness of my dad's words.

"I mean it, Edward. Your mom didn't want me saying this to you, she's just so pleased you're here and staying, but I think you should know she was beside herself. And then, when you broke up with Bella, she was so worried, you were so ... different … you looked and sounded worse every time we managed to talk to you ..."

"Dad, I'm sorry … I …"

"No, Edward, we know it wasn't all you. We probably should have intervened when we knew how unhappy you were. We talked about it, but you're learning to spread your wings, we wanted to respect that and give you space." He then looked up at me. "But having said that, I think you've made a really smart decision."

I smiled affectionately at him. "I appreciate your concern, Dad. I'm pleased you're okay with me moving back."

"Okay? Son, we're delighted! Emmett's right, Chicago isn't all that. I think you should start a new Cullen trend. Seattle all the way." His grin was infectious, and I could see the truth in his words, see how happy he was.

"Dad, you're getting soft in your old age!" I elbowed his arm, gently teasing him.

"I am," he admitted freely. "When Emmett left for Chicago, and then Alice, we still had you at home but when you left …"

His voice trailed off leaving a lot unsaid.

"I hate the thought of Petey and Sophie going so far away. I know full well they might, but, as you've shown, Chicago shouldn't be their only option. Besides, by the time they go to college, there might be more little grand-kids in the family."

"Bella's still forgiving me for my monumental mess up, I think we'll be taking one step at a time for a while, Dad."

"Sounds sensible," he agreed. "So, I guess my home gym will be on hold for another year or so?"

I laughed. "Yeah, I was hoping to live back here while Bella finishes school, then we'll see if she wants to go into dorms or if we move in together."

"Son, you're always welcome here. You know I hate the damn gym. That room will always be yours, for as long as you need it."

"Thank you," I answered sincerely. "I know moving back home isn't exactly progress, but I want to focus on getting Bella and me on track and making sure I settle into Seattle. Then, in six months or so Bella and I will be able to make plans together."

"You two better not have eaten all the leftover pie!" Emmett butted in as he came bounding into the kitchen, looking wide awake and overexcited, much like his own son had all night.

He clapped me on the back as he walked to the fridge. "I can't sleep, it's Christmas Eve, man!"

My dad smiled at his oldest son's exuberance as Emmett rattled around in the fridge, talking to me as his head disappeared from sight. "What are you even doing down here, Eddie? Bella's in your bed again at long last, and you're here!"

"Errr … " Jeez, he had no shame.

"Edward's here because he's a gentleman, aren't you, Edward?" My dad looked at me pointedly, but before I could answer, Emmett scoffed and answered for me.

"Sure. Edward's here because Bella is, rightly so, still pissed at him."

I groaned and ran my hands through my hair, not overly pleased my love life was the topic of conversation.

Again.

Emmett joined us at the breakfast bar with his own plate of pie, half-heartedly batting away my fork when I attempted, and got, a piece of it. Dad then joined in, and we all ate more pie, sitting in contented silence.

"I was pleased with Mom's present this year, now wonder-boy turns up and trumps my handbag and perfume with 'Mom, I'm moving back to Seattle,' and suddenly my present seems pretty lame." Emmett joked before stuffing his mouth full of more pie.

I elbowed him, getting an elbow back as we also fought over the last forkful of pie. I let him get it, considering I'd eaten a plate full before he got here.

"Emmett, Christmas isn't about what's under the tree, but who's around it," I informed him, sounding rather smug at my Hallmark sentiment.

Emmett scoffed. "Is that your way of telling me you didn't get me anything for Christmas?" he asked me good-humouredly.

I laughed "No, you were the easiest to shop for … I was tripping over Chicago Alumni merchandise in every damn shop."

Emmett clapped me on the back as he stood to take our plates to the dishwasher.

"We all know you gave the whole family best gift earlier, just don't expect my kids to agree. Petey's wanted a Scaletrix for months, he's gonna lose his tiny little mind!"

Emmett looked like the one about to lose his mind. He loved treating his kids, and worked hard to be able to afford it.

I laughed. "Bella's not going to let me beat Petey is she?" I mused.

"No." Emmett agreed. "And you should let her win every argument for about the next year after what you put her through." I groaned. "But ... you'll move past this, I've no doubt," he added, squeezing my shoulder as he walked back past.

"Thanks."

We all left the kitchen and headed back upstairs. There was definitely a special feeling in the air tonight, I'm pretty sure it was a combination of being back with Bella, being home, and Christmas Eve. The special feeling, the quiet of the house and the twinkle of the tree lights all made me smile as we reached the top of the stairs and each went our own way.

Once Dad was gone, Emmett pulled me back and whispered. "Whatever you do, for God sake don't wake the kids! They fell asleep listening for Santa, they will hear anything..." He finished his ribbing with an eyebrow wiggle, confirming to me that he was implying what I thought he was implying.

He chuckled as he walked off and I rolled my eyes at his words.

Back in my room, I slipped into my bed as Bella moaned softly and her hands found my body in her sleep.

"Merry Christmas, Sweetheart." I kissed her forehead, pulled her closer to me, and sighed contentedly before falling asleep myself.

 **Thanks to Frannie Walsh for being beta for this chapter, RebAdams for being my pre-reader and M-Sparkle for the great banner. All mistakes are mine as I'm often adding to this story up to the last minute.**


	8. Chapter 8

**Welcome back to Bella...**

 **I don't own Twilight or its characters; they belong to Stephanie Meyer. This is just what they got up to in my mind.**

Edward was spooning me from behind, his chin on top of my head, his whole body molded to mine at every point possible.

I pushed back, trying to wake him as he groaned loudly and pushed his body towards mine.

"Wake up," I chuckled as I turned to face him, and he finally stirred and rolled onto his back with another groan.

"Edward?" That was his mom's voice as she knocked again, louder this time.

"Yeah?" He replied.

She must have taken his reply as a sign to come in because the door creaked open and she stepped inside.

"Ummm, oh, sorry." She stumbled, taking in the sight in front of her, Edward on his back with his shirt hanging wide open and me lying next to him.

She hid her shock and smiled. "Ummm, yeah, the kids are getting restless. They're threatening to come up here and wake Uncle Edward, and, well, I thought that might not be the best idea so I said I'd wake you and…"

"It's okay, Mom." Edward saved her from any further embarrassment as he continued. "Just keep the little devils at bay for a few more minutes, we'll be right down."

Esme smiled and nodded. "Good. Great. See you soon. Oh, and Merry Christmas, both of you!"

"Merry Christmas," we both returned as she softly closed the door and I buried my head in Edward's chest, more embarrassed now than the first time Carlisle had walked in on us asleep.

Edward kissed to top of my head, his lips lingering in my hair. "Fuck, Bella. I've missed you so much. I don't need any presents under that tree, just you. Always you."

I lifted my head, so my face met his. "That's good...because I kind of didn't get you a present…"

He chuckled. "I figured. Besides, you're all I want. Merry Christmas, Bella."

"Merry Christmas, Edward."

After that, we got up and ready swiftly, believing Esme when she said the kids would storm in on us at any minute.

Once we were dressed, I appreciated the Cullen's love of heating and keeping a warm house even more than yesterday. Edward was wearing worn jeans and a white V-neck, layered with a fresh checked shirt, with the sleeves rolled up. Yum! His forearms were on show, and I certainly made up for lost time by checking them out.

When we were both ready, we walked down the large spiral staircase and followed the noise to the living room.

I stood in the doorway listening to Christmas carols that were playing softly in the background, trying desperately to impose a calm influence on the hectic room.

I watched Petey, who was busy counting. He'd reached 151 and was still going as Rosalie tried to explain to him that she didn't literally mean he could start opening presents in five minutes exactly.

Sophie was counting the presents under the tree, getting distracted by her brother and starting over again several times.

Jasper was trying to get a photo of all the kids in front of the tree, but two of them were too busy trying to see if Rudolph had eaten the carrot they'd left.

Alice was adjusting Emily's Christmas cardigan as the little girl squirmed, and Jasper called for them to smile for the camera.

Edward had gone ahead of me and was now hugging his father and wishing him a Merry Christmas, before turning to his mom. She held his face, commented on how happy he looked, and then drew him into a hug.

As I watched them, Carlisle approached me, giving me a huge smile and a hug. "I told you Christmas wouldn't be Christmas without you," he whispered in my ear as I reciprocated his heartfelt hug.

I watched as Edward was attacked by over-excited kids, all bouncing up and down when they saw him and all speaking at the same time.

I watched as Edward walked to Emmett and hugged him. They spoke before embracing again as Esme smiled across the room at the two of them. Carlisle patted Edward on the back before clapping his hands together and announcing that it was present time.

I was still in the doorway, but I caught Edward's eye and nodded for him to join me. I left the room, walking down the corridor and around the corner to the kitchen where we'd been reunited yesterday.

"What's up?" Edward asked, his smile wide and eager, his eyes bright and questioning.

I reached out and ran my finger over the bare skin of his chest that his T-shirt didn't cover.

He froze for a few seconds before meeting my eyes, his smile becoming impossibly wider.

I took a step closer to him as my other hand ran up his bare forearm to his elbow.

"Edward…" my voice was more breathy than I expected, but I was desperate to connect with him, to feel him again.

"Bella, we don't have to, I'm not going to rush you…"

I couldn't wait any longer; I closed the gap between our bodies, silencing his words as my lips met his eagerly.

He groaned as we connected. Within seconds, he'd pressed his body up against mine and was walking me the few steps backward until my back hit the wall.

I moaned, my hands finding his unruly hair, his finding my waist, his cool fingertips creeping under the hem of my top, stroking the bare skin covering my hip.

"Christ, Bella ... I don't deserve you," he grumbled into my ear, his body covering mine from head to foot. I could feel him ... right there …

I groaned as he returned his mouth to my lips and our eagerness resulted in a breathless, teeth clashing, hands grabbing, moaning kiss that he suddenly stopped.

"We should stop," he whispered, running his hands through his hair as I smiled up at his flustered expression.

I bit my lip and nodded to him. His thumb teased my lip free before he dropped a softer, calmer kiss onto them.

Petey was already calling his Uncle Edward frantically from the living room. Surely he hadn't opened the Scalextric set yet?

Edward grabbed my hand and smiled as I pulled him back towards the living room.

"Wait … " he called. When I turned back around, he smoothed down my hair and straightened his own shirt before we returned to his family.

This time, walking into the living room, I knew I'd actually get to see the kids dive into their presents.

I knew Carlisle would give Esme some posh handbag or purse that would make her squeal in delight.

I knew I'd offer to help Esme with dinner and she would never accept my help.

I knew I'd get to see Petey open his Scalextric and see Edward try desperately to tone down his competitiveness when he got to race.

I knew the kids would lose their tiny minds when they were released outside later to burn off some energy … in the snow.

I knew Emmett would eat at least ten roasted potatoes, probably more, as he tried to break last year's record.

I smiled as I looked around the room, catching Edward's eye. He looked so relaxed, like the weight of the world had been lifted from his shoulders, like he was whole again.

Which was exactly how I felt too. We had each other, and we had a family.

He strode towards me and casually slipped his arm around my shoulders, grinning at me as I looked at the stockings hanging by the fireplace. All were stuffed to the brim with presents peeking out the top.

Including mine.

There was my name, next to Edward's, right where I always wanted to be.

 **This is where this story completes but there are two future takes coming up.**

 **Thanks to Frannie Walsh for being beta for this chapter, RebAdams for being my pre-reader and M-Sparkle for the great banner. All mistakes are mine as I'm often adding to this story up to the last minute.**


	9. Chapter 9

**This story is back with two future takes.**

 **I don't own Twilight or its characters; they belong to Stephanie Meyer. This is just what they got up to in my mind.**

"It will be fine, Bella, I promise." I gripped her small hand tighter in mine and carried on racing up the stairs.

"Edward, your parents are expecting us with them when the ball drops in less than fifteen minutes!"

I paused so sharply Bella almost ran into my back. I turned around to face her and planted a lopsided grin on my face as I raised my eyebrows. "The way I feel we won't even need five minutes. We'll be back downstairs again before you know it!"

Bella laughed, and her eyes were shining bright with lust. "Well, I guess everyone will be distracted …"

"Exactly." I spun back around and carried on up the stairs, almost tripping in my haste to get to the bedroom.

Once inside I slowed down. I closed the door quietly, clicked on a bedside lamp and then drew the curtains. Bella watched me, making my stomach ache at the thought of what we were going to do next.

Bella and I slept here every night since Christmas Eve, getting closer and closer but not quite going _there_. Until now. It had been so long. Too long. Months since I'd felt her, like that.

We'd been together every day since Christmas, but we still couldn't get enough of each other. Bella had spent an afternoon with Charlie and done a few shifts at work but other than that, she'd only been away from me to collect some of her belongings and a change of clothes, which were now stashed in one of my draws. Here in his room. The room that had become _our_ room.

Since I'd never taken much to Chicago, I didn't have much to bring back. Some of it I didn't even want. There was nothing but bad memories attached to it. The rest was now in this room or my parent's garage, waiting to be sorted.

Bella and I had spent lazy days watching festive films and eating the mountain of food my mom had prepared when she over-catered for Christmas.

We'd taken Sophie and Petey bowling, and I'd beaten Petey at Scaletrix, but only when Bella was out of the room baking cookies with Sophie. We'd build snowmen in the garden, which turned into a snowball fight, leaving Bella with rosy red cheeks, flakes of fine white powdery snow in her hair and a big grin on her face.

We'd only been out once to do some shopping and buy each other some belated Christmas gifts. The rest of the time had been spent in this warm, cozy house I'd missed so much.

I'd attempted to do some college work, wanting to hit the ground running when I started my new classes in January, but just having Bella in the same room was distracting, she was much more interesting than anything a medical textbook had to offer.

And now we were ready to see in the new year, together.

She stood across the room from me, her eyes lowering to my shirt as I assessed her dress. We were both dressed up for my parent's, annual New Year's party.

While Christmas was strictly a family affair in my household, they went all out for the New Year. Everyone from the neighbors to the mailman would be present tonight. I'd spent most of the night explaining to acquaintances that I'd moved back home, and while I'm sure some of them didn't understand, I was also sure I didn't care because I knew I'd made the right decision.

Various aunts, uncles, cousins, and unknown relatives were downstairs, drinking more than they could handle as they waited for midnight to strike. But in my room, Bella already looked striking; wearing a red dress Alice had given her for Christmas, with her hair curled into a soft wave, which framed her beautiful face. I just had to put on a shirt and slacks, but Bella sure seemed to think I looked good enough.

I knew Bella wanted this, we'd been getting physically closer all week, and I'd waited until I knew she was ready before taking the lead. I took a step closer to her, and she reached out, pulling me the rest of the way to close the gap between us. She started on my buttons, opening the shirt and sliding it down my shoulders before unbuttoning my pants. I slid them off, watching her watch me.

"Christ, Edward, you're all I've ever wanted." She kissed my sternum as I wrapped my arms around her and started to lower the zip of her dress.

Once it was open enough, it slid down her body. I stood watching her smooth legs as she stepped out of it and was left in just her underwear.

"Bella, I'm not sure I've ever wanted you as much as I do now," I told her, not very subtly admiring her body.

She smiled and unhooked her bra, lying on my bed as she pulled me on top of her.

Making up for lost time, we explored each other's body's, becoming reacquainted with what we had longed for since our separation.

Before long I was hovering above her and watching the way her focus shifted from my arms to my chest, to my face, to my shoulders. She was almost frantic as I moved all my weight to one arm and raised my other hand, brushing her hair off her face and getting her attention.

"Bella, I'm here ... I'll always be here."

A small tear escaped her eye and rolled down into her hair before I could brush it away. "Baby …"

"Please, Edward. Please, I want you so much." She tugged me closer to her, not that I needed much encouragement. Once I knew she wanted me, right now, I wasn't going to hold back.

"I fucking love you so much, Bella." I entered her slowly, filling her as she moaned and bit her lip.

"I know," she groaned as her eyes closed and her head fell backward.

"I do," I told her. "So much." I rocked on top of her, making her eyes snap open to meet my heavy gaze.

"So much," I repeated again, getting breathy as I rocked harder and faster. Damn, she felt so good. I knew she felt it too. She was moaning louder now, and I was suddenly grateful for the loud music downstairs since I was having trouble controlling myself, too.

"Edward, faster. Faster and I'll come," She told me making my stomach flip, and my hips move quicker and harder. It certainly didn't take long for Bella to match my movements and between us we came crashing down together, our lips meeting as our bodies did, her breath in mine, my moans swallowed up my hers; her hands frantic, roaming, gripping, holding, and needing until I dropped down next to her, breathless and spent.

"Damn, Bella." I kissed her shoulder, and she chuckled and turned to face me.

"Do we have to be downstairs at midnight? I'd rather stay here with you."

"Me too," I agreed, kissing her forehead and pulling her closer. "But if we don't go downstairs we run the risk of someone coming up here to look for us…" I let my words trail off as I felt Bella nod against my chest.

"I know," she sighed, "but when we come back up you need to get topless pretty damn quickly, okay?"

"Okay," I agreed with a laugh. She was adorable when she was mock grumpy.

We rushed to get dressed and back downstairs and made it just in time to find a glass and a drink and be assured that no one had noticed our absence.

I approached Emmett, who was filling his glass and readying himself for midnight. Emmett was never one to turn down a party. He and Rosalie had wisely agreed they'd all stay here tonight so they could enjoy a drink or twelve.

"Eddie, happy new year, bro, try not to fuck this one up, yeah?" He joked, playfully slapping me on the back as I shook my head at his exuberance.

"Great advice."

"You want advice?" I didn't get a chance to object as Emmett carried on. "Don't hurt Bella again, I might well kick your ass if you do."

I nodded. "I know. And Emmett, thanks for looking after her, you know … when we were apart." I gave him a knowing look, and he nodded slowly.

"No problem, she's like a sister to me. And you're my brother so I'll choose you. I'll always choose you, but don't make me choose, yeah?"

"Don't worry, Bella and I are back on track," I assured him. His eyes widened, and so did his grin.

"Did you two …" he paused, waiting for me to talk.

"Emmett, I didn't mean that!" Christ, he had a one-track mind when he'd been drinking.

"Still, you have though, yeah? Then I guess she really does prefer you to Riley Biers." Emmett laughed at his own joke as I punched his shoulder lightly.

"You bastard, you knew nothing was going on with Riley, you just wanted to mess with my head."

Emmett grinned, and I knew he was agreeing. "I may have thought it wouldn't hurt you to think what it would be like if Bella was interested in someone else."

"Well, Riley Biers can fuck off. I'm back now, and I'm not going anywhere."

"I'll drink to that." Emmett raised his glass to me, and I tapped it with my own glass of Coke.

"I know you're not twenty-one yet, but surely you've had a few drinks? Remember when Mom and Dad let me drink at New Years when I was nineteen? Man! I got hammered!"

"Yeah, maybe that's why I've not been offered anything more than a Bud Light tonight," I mused as Emmett laughed.

"Sorry," Emmett replied sheepishly as I felt Bella's soft hand slip into mine.

"Hi," I gazed down at her, pulling her closer to my side as she smiled up at me.

"Hi," she replied, all soft lips and wavy hair.

"Ugh, you two, you're sickening," Emmett told us good-naturedly, "although I won't complain too much, sickeningly in love Edward is way better than moody bastard Edward," Emmett mused as Rosalie approached him and threaded her arm around his waist.

"Emmett, I know you live to rile your brother but give him a rest for one night, yeah?" Dad must have been close enough to hear our conversation, or he just knew Emmett well enough to know whenever he was talking to me, he was probably ribbing me.

"Everyone, fill your glasses, only a few minutes to go." Dad raised his voice above the general noise in the room.

Alice and Jasper joined us just as my mom hugged my dad's side. We all stood together, watching the countdown on the TV.

"10"

I pulled Bella closer to me.

"9"

She rested her hands on my chest.

"8"

She raised up on her tiptoes.

"7"

I met her eyes.

"6"

I held her hip and pulled her closer to me.

"5"

Her hand rose to cup the back of my neck.

"4"

I bent down to her.

"3"

"I love you."

"2"

"I love you, too"

"1"

My lips met hers as the room erupted into noise. Glasses clanked, fireworks boomed outside, and family and friends cheered and toasted in the New Year.

Bella eagerly met my kiss, her body pressed firmly against mine.

"Always," she whispered as our kiss broke apart.

"Always," I echoed.

 **Thanks to Frannie Walsh for being beta for this chapter and M-Sparkle for the great banner. All mistakes are mine as I'm often adding to this story up to the last minute.**


	10. Chapter 10

**I don't own Twilight or its characters; they belong to Stephanie Meyer. This is just what they got up to in my mind.**

I stood on the familiar doorstep, but I couldn't raise a gloved hand to knock because I was holding my two-year-old daughter on my hip with one hand, and my husband's with my other

We didn't need to knock anyway. Edward merely pushed the door open, sent our five-year-old son in, and then ushered me inside.

Lucas ran ahead, alerting his grandparents and everyone else in the house to our presence.

Esme appeared from the kitchen, wiping her hands on her apron as she held her arms wide ready for Lucas to run into. Katie wiggled in my arms, letting me know she wanted to follow her brother. I removed her shoes and set her down on the plush carpet, watching her with a smile as she ran, with much less speed and coordination than her brother, towards her grandmother.

Before she could get there, Carlisle appeared from the family room doorway and intercepted her. She squealed in delight as he lifted his granddaughter up high and tickled her.

I felt Edward's hands resting on my shoulder, guiding my coat off and I turned to smile at him. After he hung them, he placed the kids discarded shoes with ours, out of the way.

"I'm so glad you got here. It's threatening to snow tonight," Carlisle explained, greeting us both. There was a manly backslap for Edward, and a more gentle but heartfelt hug for me.

I looked around the familiar hallway; the house was decorated for Christmas in the same manner as when Edward and I spend Christmases here as teenagers.

I knew the seven-foot Christmas tree was up because we had dropped the kids off here a month ago. Lucas and Katie had added their personalized ornaments to the tree themselves while Edward and I spent the day Christmas shopping. We then had to return the gifts home, and hide them, which had the added side effect of giving us some alone time before collecting our two little live wires.

Lucas looked just like his dad. At five, he was already strong, physically and morally. He hated any unfairness and was fiercely protective of his little sister. Katie was just finding her voice and had a lot to say. She was sweet and easygoing, and had her grandmother's kind eyes and her dad's wild hair.

As we walked further down the hallway, I looked at the photos on the wall. A few remained of little Edward, Emmett, and Alice, but most now showed pictures of the Cullen's grandkids. Petey and Sophie looked so grown up I felt it was impossible they were already teenagers. My favorite photo showed Edward in a tux, grinning widely, but not at the camera, at me, as I stood next to him in my white wedding dress. That picture made me smile every time I saw it because the love shining in Edward's eyes was so obvious, so unguarded, and on show for the whole world to see. Well, the sixty or so guests we had at our wedding.

Edward saw me looking and squeezed my hand as we walked together into the hustle and bustle of the Cullen's living room on Christmas Eve.

We greeted Alice and Emmett along with their families, but Edward and Emmett lingered longer, talking and laughing. They had grown particularly close since that Christmas ten years ago when Edward and I found our way back to each other.

"Bella, you're glowing," Emmett hugged me tightly.

"Thank you," I replied before Emmett bent and picked up Katie who was tugging at his legs. Katie loved her Uncle Emmett more than anyone she didn't live with, and always wanted his undivided attention whenever he was around.

"Hey, my Katie girl." He swung her effortlessly onto his hip, dropping a kiss on her head as she giggled.

"Geez, it seems like only yesterday Sophie was this age. Now she's all makeup and boys. Boys! Damn boys!"

I chuckled. "Don't worry, I don't think any fifteen year old _damn boy_ would be brave enough to take you on, you'd scare the crap out of them."

"That's the plan," he told me before turning to Katie. "Yes, that's the plan isn't it, Katie, girl? Huh? And if you wanna have a tantrum anytime soon, you go for it. I'm trying to show Soph you toddlers aren't all cuteness and cuddles."

Edward laughed before Emmett turned to him. "Ed, in thirteen years, when this cutie is fifteen, I'll remind you of this conversation."

"Go for it, I'll probably be able to tease you about being a grandpa by then!"

I laughed as Emmett's face fell. "Jesus, am I that old!"

Edward bent down to listen to something Lucas was telling him before he turned to me with a smile.

"Come with me."

I took his pre-offered hand and followed him, knowing Katie would sit comfortably on Emmett's hip for the rest of the night if he allowed. I let Edward lead me through the kitchen, out the back door, and onto the deck.

He bent and flicked the switch for the outside twinkle lights, which illuminated the darkness and showed the snowflakes falling lightly from the sky.

"Lucas told me it had started snowing."

I laughed and snuggled into Edward's side.

"We've come a long way, haven't we?" He sounded proud as he rubbed his hand up and down my arm to keep me warm.

"Absolutely." I thought of the first apartment we lived in after my first year at college. The rooms were tiny, but we had everything we needed because we were finally together in our own home.

I thought of the Christmas after Edward got his final medical qualifications, the one where we sat around the dinner table, only for Edward to grab a hinged, ceramic ornament off the tree, get down on one knee and propose, opening the ornament to reveal a diamond ring … the engagement ring I was now wearing next to my wedding band.

I thought about our wedding; the bright summer day when I legally became a member of the Cullen family, even though by then I'd been one in all but name for over a decade.

I thought about our first house, a washboard, three-bedroom place where we decorated the nursery for our first child before bringing him home from the hospital, all seven pounds, seven ounces of him.

I thought about the larger brick house we were in now, only a few streets away from Edward's parents, and around the corner from Emmett and his family, where we welcomed our little Katie.

I stretched up on my tiptoes, reaching up for a kiss that Edward gladly reciprocated. His strong hands pulled me closer to his frame, sandwiching me between his warm body and the cold railings of the decking.

"I love you ... so damn much," he muttered, in between kisses and nibbles to my neck.

"Hmmm…" I hummed contentedly, "you too." I took a step back so I could study his face. He was even more handsome than when he was a teenager. His hair was just as rowdy, but his jaw was even more striking. His stubble was just how I liked it, short but noticeable. His green eyes shone bright with happiness as I rested my palms on his chest, the chest I knew so well.

"You just get better and better with age," I informed him.

He scoffed and laughed. "You're the one who's had two kids and still looks like the woman I fell in love with," He complimented.

"Sure." I disagreed. "Those kids have aged me a few decades, I swear I'm going gray!"

I tugged at my hair, but Edward stilled my hand. "You're not. And even if you were, I'd still love you."

I dropped a kiss on his lips but then pulled apart. "We should get back inside, I don't wasn't us to get sick for Christmas."

Edward nodded and guided me back inside, through the kitchen, which smelled amazing, into the living room where we checked on Katie, who was still more than happy in Emmett's arms, and Lucas who was fascinated by the toy train running laps around the Christmas tree.

We took a seat on the sofa, pleased to be able to relax while the rest of the family entertained our energetic kids for a while.

After only a few minutes, Petey sat down next to Edward looking overly-serious for what was a relaxed Christmas Eve.

"Uncle Edward …"

"Hey, Petey ... sorry, Pete, I'll get used to that, I swear! How's school?"

"It's fine. I'm actually looking at colleges right now, and my dad said I should talk to you about it."

Edward scoffed before turning more serious himself. "He did, huh?"

Pete nodded, and Edward took a deep breath. His hand found my knee and held on. I didn't know if he was bracing himself or trying to support me. Either way, neither of us liked to revisit that time in our lives. We'd made peace with it and moved on almost a decade ago, but, as we built our life together, we build everything we almost lost.

Edward looked out to Lucas who was now climbing excitedly all over Sophie, and Katie who was happily chatting to herself, on Emmett's lap.

I placed my hand on top of Edward's and smiled softly at him.

"Petey ... damn, sorry. Pete … where are you looking to go?"

"I like the look of UCLA, Chicago, and Washington but I'm undecided."

Edward nodded. "Well, I don't feel overly qualified to give advice, all I know is you have to make the decision for yourself. At your age, if someone had told me that Chicago wouldn't work for me, I wouldn't have listened. I had to find that out for myself."

"Dad said you did a term at Chicago then transferred closer to home."

Edward nodded. "Transferring back was one of the best decisions of my life. As long as you know you have options, you can't go wrong; follow your heart, not family alliances. Your dad, he flourished at Chicago, he made it work and loved his time there. I'm sure you can do that, too, but just know you can also stay closer to home and make that work too."

Pete nodded as Edward continued.

"I nearly lost your Aunt Bella …" Edward squeezed my knee and swallowed a lump in his throat before he spoke again. "I could get a medical degree almost anywhere but I couldn't be with Bella anywhere but here, not while she was finishing up school. I quickly figured out I wasn't happy without her, or my family, so a college closer to home worked best for me in my circumstances."

Pete nodded. "I'm not sure I want to move so far away, but Dad liked Chicago so much …"

"Pete," Edward interrupted. "I'm pretty damn sure your dad wants you close to home but won't say anything in case it sways your opinion."

"Really?" Pete looked both happy and relieved at Edward's words.

Edward nodded, sounding certain as he spoke again. "Absolutely."

Pete grinned. "Thanks, Uncle Edward."

Our attention then turned to Carlisle who came crashing into the room.

"Hey, kids, look what I found!" He looked very pleased with himself as he held up a battered, dusty, Scalextric box he must have dug out of the garage.

"Hey, I recognize this!" Pete stood and took hold of the box. He turned it over in his hands before he opened it and started to set up the track. His memory took over, which was a good thing, as the instructions were nowhere to be seen.

Once Pete and Jasper had changed the batteries in all the cars and remotes, it was game time.

"I don't have to go easy on you now, kid," Edward teased Pete who laughed and elbowed his uncle.

"Prepare to go down, old man," Pete joked as Edward's jaw dropped in mock offense.

The evening was spent with us all playing Scaletrix in various combinations, eating Esme's amazing home cooking, and chatting. Pete taught Lucas all he knew about how to play Scaletrix, and now it was his turn to go easy on his cousin until Katie and Lucas got too tired to behave civilly.

Once the kids had finally laid out food for Santa as well as a carrot for his reindeer and said farewell to the damn Elf on the Shelf, Edward and I took them upstairs to one of the spare rooms they always used when we stayed here. We didn't live far away but loved spending the night and waking up together as an extended family on Christmas Day.

We returned downstairs to find the rest of the family digging into Esme's, famous cherry pie and insisting they'd saved us a piece in the kitchen.

"First, we need help emptying our car of all the kid's presents. We may have cleared out some of Target's toy aisles."

Emmett laughed, no doubt recognizing all the years we'd unpacked his kid's toys. These days their gifts were smaller but cost considerably more. I wasn't in a rush to get to those years.

"Actually," I spoke up, making all heads in the room turn to me, "I have one gift I want to give out tonight."

Edward smiled and laughed at me. "Really? You're not moving to Chicago, are you?" he joked.

"Of course not," I replied before getting more serious. "Much like your gift ten years ago, this one is not only for us, but everyone here."

Edward looked thoroughly confused as he glanced around the room, presumably for the _gift._

I turned to him, pulled something out my back pocket and passed it to him.

He, and everyone else in the room recognized it immediately.

"Bella ... seriously?" His voice was shaking as his parents gasped loudly.

Emmett cheered as Edward launched himself at me, hugging me so tightly I almost toppled backward.

"Oh my God. Bella, we're pregnant?" He withdrew from his hug and looked again at the positive pregnancy test I'd just given him.

"Yeah, I found out yesterday."

"Congratulations!" Carlisle was up and heading towards us, so we stood and hugged him, then Esme, who was crying happy tears.

"Oh! Another grandchild! We're so blessed."

I basked in the warm hugs from my family. I reveled in Edward's happiness, and I stroked my tummy, pleased Edward now knew about our little gift.

I thought about tomorrow, Christmas day. I looked over to the fireplace, knowing when I came downstairs in the morning, there would be another stocking hanging next to Katie's, saying Baby Cullen.

I agreed with Esme, we we're so blessed.

 **So, thats it! This story really is now complete.** **Thanks so much to everyone who has engaged with this story. I value all your reviews and opinions and like that so many of you gave this your tim** **e.**

 **This story has been nominated for best completed story of December 2018. If you've enjoyed it please consider going to** **Twifanfictionrecs - Twilight Fanfiction Recommendations and voting for it during January 2019.**

 **I appreciate each and every review, sorry I haven't yet replied to them. This time of year is obviously busy and I'm focusing on getting the writing done and spending time with my young family, but I will reply to reviews when I get a chance.**

 **Thanks to Frannie Walsh for being beta for this chapter and M-Sparkle for the great banner. All mistakes are mine as I'm often adding to this story up to the last minute.**

 **Please let me know your thoughts on this story and if you enjoyed it I have other completed fic's on my profile including a quick read Christmas story (no angst). I'll be writing more in 2019 so please add me to author alert if you'd like to know when I post.**

 **Happy New Year, I hope you have a healthy, happy 2019** **x**


End file.
